Tot Spot Preschool and Kindergarten

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Spring has sprung and families are getting outside to exercise, to refresh and to socialize. Meeting and greeting friends, neighbors, and classmates are all part of "better weather" parenting. This morning we are going to take a look at the parenting process of playdates. You can find this concept discussed in advice columns, on editorial pages, on blogs, and in parenting magazines. A lot is written about it because it can be as scary for parents as it is for the children. Unfortunately for many parents, it is like living 7th grade all over again-the possibility of social rejection, feelings of inadequacy on the return of bashfulness.

According to the current issue of WORKING MOTHER Magazine there are "5 Golden Rules" to playdates and these apply to all age levels.

Make it a duo! It's best to limit the playdate to two children. Never try 3 children because somebody winds up left out-triangles don't work. However it is possible if you have the room, to have 4 children play together.
Set time limits! Kid dates generally should not exceed two hours. Playdates are about face-to-face time so TV and computers should be off limits or limited to no more than 30 minutes depending on the ages of the children. Also, if your child is due to be picked up at a certain time, then don't be late. Respect the allotted time frame and don't over stay your welcome.
Ask for info! If the other parent isn't staying for the playdate, then ask for an emergency contact number-teeth can get knocked out, fingers do get smashed, and cuts do happen. Also make certain you are aware if the other child has allergies like a peanut allergy which can be life threatening. For the younger crowd ask about bathroom habits-do they need to be reminded?
Ensure safety! When another mom is hosting, don't be afraid to ask: Is there a gun in the house and how is it secured?" For the older crowd ask "will the parent be leaving the house at all?" Also ask "what video or computer technology is accessible?" If you don't believe in a 12 year old watching PG-13 rated entertainment, then tell the other parent. If the other family has a swimming pool, then be certain to check accessibility to the pool if it is not part of the playdate.
Drink responsibly! If parent socializing is part of the playdate, do not over indulge. When serving wine at a playdate, be sure to include food and to serve it early. The experts are divided on this one-do not drink or do not drink more than one glass. This is a quandary whether you are the guest or the host. It is always best to err on the conservative side especially if driving is involved.

Next let's look at some ways to fill those playdate hours-structured or unstructured. If it is a "first time" playdate, then the contents of your child's toy chest or toy closet may be enough. Also on "first time" playdates, be sure to establish the ground rules-no running in the house, no hitting, no jumping on the furniture, etc.

After the newness wears off, you may have to step in with some ideas. Snacking is always part of a playdate so you can use it as "edible entertainment." The old reliable are always fun like a "pint size" tea party with real tea and crackers or play restaurant with pretend menus, chefs, and waiters. You also can let the children "play" with their "food" -a simple paper plate becomes a canvas for food faces made from muffin halves, cream cheese, raisins, alfalfa sprouts, and so on.

Other quick playdate fixes include scavenger hunts, dancing, dress-up, obstacle courses, and a roll of butcher paper for painting, drawing, and tracing.

In closing let's look at some playdate mistakes-

According to ASK AMY:

If after 2 overtures to make a playdate for your child and there is no connection, then cut your losses and move on. This is not a turndown to the "homecoming dance." Your job as a parent is to show your kids how to roll past the inevitable punches, hurt feelings, and outright snubs in life.
Be prepared when visiting the park, preschool pick-up zone, or Saturday morning soccer game-if you want to make connections then have your information handy. The cutest idea that I have ever seen was the mom with the kid-style business card. The card said-Hi I'm Freddy's Mom-it had addresses, phone numbers, email addresses etc.-she made it easier for the other mom to make contact.
If during the playdate, it becomes too quiet at your house, then you need to check on the activities. One mother reported how her 4 year old and friend had completely dismantled a bed- slats and all!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

March is a busy month-there is a plethora of activities going on-there is March Madness, March is Art Month, March is Women's History Month, and March is "Take a Kid Outdoors Month."

First we started the month last week celebrating Dr. Seuss' birthday on Read Across America Day-and here is the parenting tip for the day for the beginning of the month-in just 15 minutes of out of school reading a day is the difference in your child being exposed to a million additional words. This is such a powerful, easy, and binding experience. And when do you start this? At birth! I have even seen it where grandparents are reading to grandchildren over great distances using "Skype." A very old fashioned inexpensive, but effective approach to helping!!!

2nd March is Women's History Month-"Writing Women Back into History" according to their national website. The YWCA of the Lower Cape Fear has its own way of keeping women written into history. We honor them with our Women of Achievement Awards every year. March is the month to nominate a woman for the 26th Annual Award to be presented in May. There are 8 categories of recognition Arts, Health and Wellness, Business, Volunteerism, Communication, Education, Environmental, and Public Service. There is also a new award which honors Rachel Freeman-The Unsung Hero Award. So dads, uncles, sons, and granddads get busy and honor a busy mom, a supportive aunt, or a helpful grandmother. The Women of Achievement also recognizes the Young Leader Awards which consists of 4 $1,000.00 scholarships for girls in Pender, New Hanover, Brunswick, and Columbus Counties. High School Counselors can nominate outstanding senior girls from their high schools. All forms and information can be downloaded from the YWCA-lowercapefear.org website. The deadline for submission is early April.

Also in honor of Women's History Month will be the Women's Leadership Initiative Panel-"Strong Women in Health Care" on Tuesday, March 16th at noon. It is a Lunch 'n Learn-bring your lunch and listen to 5 women discuss issues of health care pertaining to women. The panel will consist of a midwife, a nurse practioner turned mommie-preneur, a health insurance specialist, a UNCW professor in gerontology and a STAR NEWS reporter for health and wellness. For more information on this panel visit the YWCA website or call 799-6820 Ext. 116 or email classes@ywca-lowercapefear.org.

Third March is Art Month in North Carolina. Several activities are taking place for the children at the YWCA during this celebration. The morning preschoolers at the Tot Spot LLC are learning about and experiencing the work of author/illustrator, Eric Carle. After examining a collection of Eric Carle books from the New Hanover County Library, the children are trying out of some of Eric Carle's art processes like finger-painting and tissue decoupage. They are also reading and studying about Eric Carle in their weekly "Let's Find Out" magazines. A trip to the Cameron Art Museum is also in store for the Tot Spot LLC 4 and 5 year olds.

March is Art Month will also be enjoyed by the YWISE Kids Afterschool Program at the YWCA when Barbara McKenzie brings her portrayal of "Papa Haydin" to the school age children in the afternoon.

The week of March 15th is "Get Kids BACK Outdoors." Children need to rediscover why it is called "the great outdoors." The Tot Spot LLC preschoolers and the YWISE Kids will experience the arrival of Spring with special planned activities for the YWCA Outback. Stephanie Avery, a "Leave No Trace Trainer" will lead the children through some great experiences at the Outback tent classroom. Help your children not suffer from the effects of "Nature Deficit Disorder" by getting outside and enjoying Spring-walk, dig, hug a tree, observe the birds, etc.

Finally don't forget to sign your daughter up for Girls Golf-don't miss out on introducing your daughter to a very empowering pastime-golf. In conjunction with the LPSA_USGA Girls Golf, the YWCA is offering opening March sessions at Beau Rivage and Muni. Groups are starting on Thurs., March 18th and Sat. March 20th.

So Marty do you feel the March Madness?

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Boy is this a busy and stressful time of year for parents and grandparents of preschoolers as they wait for the lotteries to be announced for Kindergarten and preschool. The local charter schools and year around schools have been calling folks to announce selections for the 2010-2011 school year. Private schools have been having and announcing open houses for tours and applications. Public schools have been busy trying to get parents to come in to register for next fall-any child turning 5 on or before August 31st 2010 is eligible for entry into public school. The Tot Spot LLC located at the YWCA of the Lower Cape Fear will be having open house all next week. All week there will be parent meetings each evening at 7pm. Monday night we invite parents of rising two year olds and under two year olds to come for a chance to tour the classrooms, meet the teachers and discuss the program. Tuesday night will be for parents of rising 3 year olds, Wednesday will be for parents of rising 4 year olds and Thursday night will be for parents of rising 5 year olds. The Tot Spot LLC does have a half-day 5 year old kindergarten program which is an alternative to public kindergarten. The mandatory public school entry age for North Carolina is 7 years of age. If a parent feels the need or desire for their child to only go to a half-day kindergarten program then they have options like private programs. Even if a child meets the cut off requirement of 5 on or before August 31st, it is not mandatory for them to start school. Parents do have choices and options available in programs like the Tot Spot LLC at the YWCA-which is an entire discussion for another day.

This morning I want to offer tips to parents to help relieve some of the stress as they search for the "right fit" for their child. Recently the STARNEWS had an article pertaining to the steps to take to make the search manageable.

Visit the school-drop in. Listen to your gut feeling-sometimes just dropping in when you're not expected is a better snapshot than a formal tour or an announced visit. Don't expect to talk to teachers or sit-in on a classroom without an appointment, but you can see the parking lot or feel the atmosphere. You know what they say about "first impressions."
If you are seriously investigating preschools and kindergartens, then make a list or spreadsheet. Some of the categories to be considered are distance, cost, teacher/pupil ratio, start/end times, application process and overall impressions. This type of chart will especially help when comparing prices-such as calculating cost per hour. For example when a parent asks about costs at the Tot Spot LLC we can tell them that the price is $13.00/day which breaks down to $3.25/hour for 4 hours. When a school just gives a monthly flat rate, it often means that parents are paying for holidays that the school is closed. In addition parents forget to take into account the hourly price difference between a 3 hr. morning versus a 4 hr. morning.
Look at safety measures-fire drills, condition of toys and shelves, monitoring of entryways, background checks for teachers, etc.
Ask about curriculum-is it research-based? How is the curriculum structured? What type of activities do the children engage in?-group time, centers, field trips, free play, etc. Ask about skill development?-language, social, gross-motor, fine motor, and so on. Ask about evaluations and feedback.
Look at the walls-colorful, warm, age-appropriate, displays at eye level, continuity, etc. The work of the children should show a balance between "process and product." Something accomplished for the pure pleasure of the process versus something accomplished for a specific purpose like language stimulation or movement.
Look for cleanliness-as my mother always liked to say-what does your nose tell you. Take a peek in the bathrooms.
Ask about staff. Ask about turn-over rate-which means ask how long each teacher has been with the program. Ask what the policy is when a teacher is out sick- are classes combined or are subs available?
Is there a playground? Especially down here in our area, ask if it provides protection against the sun? Also ask what the children do if it rains?
Does the school offer special classes-like dance or music? For example, the Tot Spot LLC has a special dance class available to any of our participants ages 3 and up which is provided by a private contractor on site at the YWCA for a separate fee. However a music teacher is provided as part of the Tot Spot LLC regular curriculum every Thursday and Friday for all age levels.
How do you figure out if you can really afford the total bill? Ask about payment late fees, mandatory donations to funds, like building or endowments, fees for late pick-up, or discounts for multiples?

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Sunday is Valentine's Day. This morning I am going to hand out "parenting love notes!" This is my version of a little recognition- we'll look at it as "Talk of the Town" Oscars-for efforts by people to do a better job of parenting-a little ingenuity, creativity, and just plain roll-up your sleeves and "get-it-doneness!"

First "love note" is for the ladies in Southport of the P.E.O. Sisterhood which stands for Philanthropic Educational Organization who have put together "Grandmother's Handbook of Fun." They didn't just sit around and talk about doing something-they rolled-up their collective sleeves and got to work. It is a purse-size notebook filled with selections of ideas for having fun and entertaining grandchildren or other young visitors. There are 39 "tried and true" activities listed in alphabetical order. Each activity lists the suggested age range, supplies needed, where to find the supplies, how much the supplies are estimated to cost, the amount of time needed for the activity, and the "how-to" instructions. The notebook has some original poetry by the Southport P.E.O. chapter members, a listing of 37 websites for more information, and a frontcover with a listing of 19 nicknames for grandmother and a backcover with a listing of 16 nicknames for grandfather. The P.E.O. Sisterhood will have the book available at their Antique Appraisal Fair on Feb. 28th in Southport. An article about these ladies was in Saturday's NEIGHBORS section of the STARNEWS.

Second "love note" is for the Raleigh "mommie-preneur" who has built a business on parent training. She is the epitome of what we at the YWCA call a "mommiepreneur." She is a woman who with entrepreneurial spirit has started a successful business while being actively involved in motherhood. She according to the article in the NEWS and OBSERVER is developing a reputation as a "parent whisperer"-you know Marty-a little take on the dog whisperer phenomenon. Amy McCready, started Positive Parenting Solutions in 2004. It started first as an in-person training company and now has expanded to an online version. She has taught her parenting classes at lots of schools and preschools around the Triangle area, large corporations like SAS, GlaxoSmith Kline and Cisco have hired her for their employees and she has attracted big-time media attention by being quoted in a NEW YORK TIMES article and being featured on MSNBC's "Dr NANCY." She has managed to do all this by having her husband as her business partner and now employs 3 instructors to help spread the word about her "easy to use," at-home techniques that people feel help them become better parents. McCready is quoted as saying "all jobs come with a ton of training, but for the most important job we do, there is none."

Third "love note" is for all the parents out there who are making the effort to create "always and forever marriages." The experts like author, David Arthur Code, tell us "To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First." A recent issue of LADIES HOME JOURNAL features a picture of a "wizened" old couple giving each other a hug and a "buss" as my grandpa Hedges would say. This picture is worth 1000 words. Even after all that living it all boils down to hugs and kisses. Research tells us that "human touch" has unbelievable powers. Infants deprived of human touch will not thrive. Humans of all ages need hugs and kisses to thrive. Marriage itself needs attention-the experts say keep each other close.

Fourth "love note" is for fun. Don't forget to have fun. Tell jokes, share a prank, or just pass on a smile. So Sunday on Valentine's Day start the morning with the "I LOVE YOU to pieces game." Make a large red paper heart-tear it into pieces-hide the pieces around the house-as the family finds the pieces-reassemble with tape. Before tearing it up write "I LOVE YOU to pieces" on the heart. Also for Sunday which I know is the start of the NASCAR season, but take time to cuddle up on the couch and watch BE MY VALENTINE CHARLIE BROWN-bring out the child in all of us!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Let's look at a topic which can be every parents' or grandparents' nightmare-custody. Recently, unfortunately I've had to be a part of such scenarios because of being called to be a witness in a custody hearing and in being a sounding board for my sister and her family. Also the growing number of stay-at-home dads and breadwinner moms means that more working mothers are fighting an unprecedented uphill battle over custody.

There once was a concept referred to as the "tender years doctrine" which presumed that mothers are more the suitable parent for children under 7. However that presumption has been abolished in most states since 1994. Now with the current recession, women are poised to outnumber men in the workforce-First time ever in American history, job layoffs are affecting more men than women causing a burgeoning crop of Mr. Moms.

Today there are now about 2.2 million moms who lose primary custody. A mother's career can be seen as a liability in custody battles. Judges want to know who the hands-on parent is-who spends more time with the child. According to a recent issue of WORKING MOTHER, judges want to know who the visible parent is-who is the parent that the community sees at school, at playdates, at the doctor's office, at soccer practice, etc.

There are two types of custody being looked at-legal custody and physical custody. Legal custody refers to being able to make decisions for the child such as medical, educational, and living arrangement decisions. Physical custody refers to where the child lives, eats, and sleeps.

The experts say that the question should not be "How can I get or win custody?," but rather "How can I make sure the re-formed family will function in a way that is good for the kids?" The bottom line is that you want to stay out of court and you do not want a judge making decisions for you.

Also parents find that divorce is not cheap. The American custody process has spawned an entire industry of mediators, forensic accountants, appraisers, evaluators, psychologists, child custody coaches, and law guardians.

New research from Arizona State University shows that kids brought up with shared custody (spending equal time with both divorced parents) are physically healthier than children living primarily with one.

In a divorce situation, the degree of difficulty children experience depends on their parents' behavior.

1. Don't trash your ex in front of your children and don't allow family members to do this either.
2. Let your children off the hook. Unfortunately many children feel responsible for their parents' break-up.
3. Keep them out of the fight. Keep their daily routine as stable as possible to avoid too much upheaval. I recently read online in a "Grandma Says" item where the family pet traveled with the children. The family dog was the "constant" in a family situation where the children were adjusting to new living arrangements.
4. Pour on the love. Be concrete with your attention and affection-if you feel it, then say it. Make phone calls, write notes, use "skype," send e-mails, be there for them. Don't assume that your children know you love them-you have to do it with facetime, and for older kids some text messages.
5. Help them be kids. In a divorce, it is not the job of the children to take care of the parent. Seek professional help for you and your children when support or talking is needed.

Since judges try to minimize the negative impact on the kids and they are pressed for time, then it behooves parents to understand what judges are looking for and at-

1. A parent who encourages the child's relationship with an "ex."
2. A cooperative and flexible parent-like swapping weekends because grandparents are in town.
3. A hands-on parent. Be at school parent conferences, show up at the soccer games, take your child to the dentist, see the school play, etc.
4. Judges like to see arrangements that are working not "ifs." So get moving, be involved, and document it in a journal or log-maybe even a blog or TWITTER.
5. Try to find a new balance between work and family-cut back on time at the office. Try to find ways to work at home-laptops are great.
6. Be the parent who tries to lessen the impact of divorce on the kids. Go for family therapy, take a class on "co-parenting," or ask the court to appoint a guardian "ad litem," who will advocate for your children.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

This morning for our last time together in 2009 let's explore the "happiness factor." I recently came across two authors who have out new books. Dr. Haltzman with THE SECRETS OF HAPPY FAMILIES and Gretchen Rubin with THE HAPPINESS PROJECT.

In a recent article in REDBOOK, Dr. Haltzman reports "there are 4 Keys to building a happy family"-

1. Happy families know who they are- what are their core values-Dr. Haltzman suggests trying to actually label them through discussions-so that by your choices you can stick to your values as a family. If you are married and committed to your vows, then that says something of your values. For example, if you would never plan a family vacation when school is in session, then that says you value education. If you let each other know that you are thankful, then your family values gratitude.
2. Happy families...lean on others-Dr. Haltzman reminds us that no family lives in a bubble-you have extended relatives, friends, neighbors, and other networks. Other families expose your kids to new ideas and lifestyles and give them a broader view of their roles in their own family as well as in their community. Military families probably understand this concept best of all as they lean on each other during deployments and long separations. Dr. Haltzman says if you don't have extended family nearby, then it is just as satisfying to create your own support system through playgroups, bridge clubs, or church circles. Spending time together and helping each other is what is valued-"people to count on for anything at any time."
3. Happy families-bounce back by having strong routines and rituals, families can overcome calamities when they strike. Regardless of the misfortune-illness, natural disaster, families with resiliency will survive. It was reported that families who quickly re-established everyday routines and rituals after re-location following Hurricane Katrina were found to be the happiest in their new homes. Re-located families who quickly returned to regular bedtime stories, family meals, etc were the most successful at recovery.
4. Happy families-breathe. Families do better when they have plenty of laid-back time together. Dr. Haltzman suggests just taking time to be spontaneous-bake a batch of cookies together, around Wilmington you can walk on the beach anytime, or do the dishes in the morning and play Rock Band with your kids-just do it together. Dr. Haltzman says that the time for "unstructured fun" is so important that he plans for it-he schedules it! Thereby not letting it get caught up in everything else in life like cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc.

Finally let's look at what we can do personally to be happier in 2010 like author Gretchen Rubin. Research tells us that happy people are more altruistic, more productive, more helpful, more likeable, more creative, more resilient, more interested in others, friendlier, and healthier. Happy people make better friends, colleagues, and citizens.

Gretchen Rubin suggests asking yourself the following questions in order to kick start your way to happiness-

1. What makes you feel good?
2. What activities do you find dun, satisfying or energizing?
3. What makes you feel bad?
4. What are sources of anger, irritation, boredom, frustration, or anxiety in your life?
5. Is there any way in which you don't feel right about your life?
6. Do you wish you could change your job, city, family situation, or other circumstances?
7. Are you living up to your expectations for yourself?
8. Does your life reflect your values?

If you want to know more about Gretchen's plan you can follow it and make your own by going to WOMANSDAY.COM. Gretchen has spelled out a "challenge for happiness" for each month of the year like "Boost Energy for January and Remember Love for February."

Gretchen feels that by seeking happiness she is preparing for adversity-don't wait for a crisis to remake your life.

So ask yourself what are your resolutions for 2010? If you need help with your happiness plan, you might want to seek help from a group of professionals known as "life coaches." This is a group of professionals trained to help you find out what you need or want from life-Wilmington has alot of excellent personal, family, professionals, business, and financial coaches to contact.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

This morning at the YWCA on S. College Road we are having one of our Women's Leadership Initiatives-

STRONG WOMEN and the MILITARY

It is the privilege of the YWCA of the Lower Cape Fear to present a panel to honor Veteran's Day. Through the stories and lives of the panelist a picture will emerge that depicts the many roles of women with the military. Our panelists, like the military, can be described as "with willing hearts and skillful hands, the difficult we do at once, the impossible takes a bit longer." Our panelists support, participate in and live with the military. Today we will be honored with stories of courage, service, strength, history, sacrifice, groundbreaking efforts, and greatness.

Last Friday Si Cantwell mentioned his story on Rachel Brown, which was in this past Sunday's paper-

"Ms. Rachel" as we call her at the YWCA is a miltary spouse-her husband is dead, but he had served in the Marine Corps for 27 years.

She had to cut back her hours working in the YWISE Kids Program because she now is responsible for her 4 grandchildren ranging in age from middle school to preschool. Their dad just deployed to Iraq and their mom who is on her way to S. Korea are both in the Army.

Ms. Rachel at age 65 is now cooking and doing laundry for 4 children and doing it as a single parent-she says "It's not an easy job, but you have to do what you have to do, not only for our children, but for our country."

Soon after I started working on this panel I saw a "letter to the editor" from a female veteran who asked "Don't forget women veterans." She said "my biggest pet peeve, though, during this time (Veteran's Day) is that we really only think of them (men who serve), and very seldom about the women who served also." She says "It gripes me when the American Legion, VFW, etc., send things in the mail to my husband, addressing him as the veteran and not me. I was the one who served, not him!" She goes on the say "we are here and we served, too. Proudly, I might add!"

Today at the YWCA we will be bringing the spotlight to women who have served in the military and to women who have supported the military.

Panel Participants: Rachel Brown, who is caring for her grandchildren while their parents are deployed. Thera Storm, discussing life with her twin sister, Therese Frentz, a wounded Iraq war veteran. Carroll Jones, wife of retired career officer and local military historian. Roxie Hewel, wife of Retired USCG Captain. Sabina Newman, first female to graduate from Villanova's Naval ROTC officers program and presently a career coach helping disabled vets. Julene Deanie, officer from Chapter 11 of the Disabled American Veterans. Danah Shealey, wife of a pilot in Iraq. Kelly Stivers, "Jill-of-all-trades" and co-founder of Jane's List, a professional and social network for brave women who empower brave men. Kathleen Jewell, with Pomegranate Books discussing BAND OF SISTERS and THE GIRLS COME MARCHING HOME by Kirsten Holmstedt. Vivian Schayer, member of local chapter of American Gold Star Mothers.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I know today is Election Day and there are alot of topics that could be explored from a parenting perspective, but I think that I will just let it all be decided at the polls-

So let's go in another direction on a topic that has been popping up for discussion lately-"HELICOPTER PARENTS." This label refers to parents who hover, are in "constant contact," or just in general overly involved with their kids. I know there is a thin line between being a lenient parent and being an overly responsible one.

In a recent issue of Phi Kappa Phi FORUM an author illustrates stages of parenting-

Parent and child standing at the classroom door, blinking back tears and holding hands, the child fearful of joining classmates for the first day of school and the parents anxious about letting go-

1. Completely understandable in elementary school
2. Somewhat justifiable in middle school
3. Maybe reasonable freshman year of high school
4. Defensible to a degree the first semester in college
5. Totally ridiculous when the "kid" enters the workforce-but this is a definition or illustration of the hovering/helicopter parent. "Adult children," which is an oxymoron, under the daily supervision of parents leads to a dysfunctional interdependence.

I know you are asking how did we go from being concerned, involved parents attending PTA functions in elementary school years to paranoid, pathetic parents calling the Dean of Students and trying to manage the day-to-day activities of their adult children in college.

Some say we are seeing this level of involvement because these are the children whose moms hung "Baby on Board" signs in their cars-these children are the offsprings of the "soccer mom" set. One expert suggests that this level of interdependence comes as a result of constant contact/immediate access by way of cell phones and emails.

So as the pendulum swings from one extreme-we are now seeing the workplace inundated with helicopter parents at job fairs getting information for their "child-applicants" or "adult-child" job applicants bringing mom and dad along to job interviews-the pendulum goes to the other extreme as reported in an article Sunday in the STAR NEWS about a book, FREE RANGE KIDS:GIVING OUR CHILDREN THE FREEDOM WE HAD WITHOUT GOING NUTS. The author, Lenore Skenazy, is the mom who wrote a column in the "New York Sun" last year about how she let her 9 year old son ride the New York City subway system by himself. The author calls it "giving kids longer leashes and ultimately, less fear-driven lives." This author believes that overprotecting children doesn't really keep them safe anyway. She says that it just keeps them from growing up.

Unfortunately in our current economic climate with the need for both parents are going to need to rely on their children being more independent sooner. Kids will need to get off to school by themselves, walk safely home from the bus stop, do their own homework without direct parental supervision and so on-older siblings will be responsible for babysitting, starting dinner, or walking to swim practice or soccer practice-I know to some in the audience these ideas hinge on heresy. Maybe it would be easier to start with baby steps like the book reviewer suggested in Sunday's paper-start by having your children talk to strangers in proper or safe environments-the advice was illustrated by having your children give their own food orders to the waiter, allowing them to ask their own questions when seeking information at the library or expecting them to respond when greeted by another adult.

Maybe for some the answer is not in expecting more independence from our children, but being more creative in our own thinking-finding ways to support our family-life routine and bring in additional income for our family. I say this because articles are popping up everywhere for "mom entrepreneurs." WORKING MOTHER magazine now always includes special features on entrepreneur moms. Scholastic's PARENT AND CHILD magazine includes information recently on "5 Moms who defied the economy to start their own businesses!" At the YWCA we are on the cusp of this pendulum swing with our own "mommie-preneur" group that meets on the first Wed of each month for a "Lunch 'n Learn" at 12:30. Incidentally if any mom, grandmom, step-mom or sister is interested in joining, tomorrow is the first Wed. of Nov. so come for a visit at the YWCA on S. College @ 12:30pm.

So Marty as you fight the urge to "hover" and I know it is hard-try thinking of how you don't want to be experiencing "the failure to launch" syndrome with your sons-which opens up a whole new discussion for another time.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

This is National Fire Prevention Week (Oct.4th to 10th). Children are never too young or too old to learn basic safety rules. National Fire Prevention Week is a great time to do some basic safety checks in the home.
Unfortunately, people get lulled into thinking "it can never happen to me" or "I don't have children at home any more." However, as the old saying goes, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Let's spend some time this morning reviewing some tips to make prevention the number one fire safety rule.
1. Make sure your children understand what can burn them. Have a discussion at the dinner table. For example, equate burn with getting too much sun and being sunburned. Also point out that there are other things that get hot and can burn them-curling irons, toasters, irons, space heaters. Establish a do not touch rule for certain items in your home.
2. Next teach your children not to touch or play with matches or lighters. Explain that matches or lighters are tools for adults only. Children see people light cigarettes or start grills, do not invite them to help or blow out the match. These actions only entice children to try making fire on their own.
3. If you do smoke, then do not smoke in bed. Also do not light up if you are feeling sleepy.
4. Candles are lovely and lots of fun on a birthday cake, but they can also be very dangerous. Never leave candles unattended or never leave children alone in a room where candles are burning. Even though candles may seem controlled, they are an open flame. Candles can fall over onto a table, chair or rug. Curtains can also be blown over open candle flames by a draft.
Children's fascination with open flames, even when they have been told that fire is dangerous, can be costly. One of the worst burns that I ever saw on a child's hand was from a paper napkin being held over a candle at the dinner table.
Birthday candles should also be treated with respect. Do not allow children to light the birthday candles. Take extra precautions with hair and clothing when leaning over to blow out the candles.
5. Practice fire prevention and safety in the kitchen. Nearly one-fourth of all home fires start in the kitchen. Be sure pan handles point toward the back or side of the stove-this one was a wake up call for me this summer. Since our grandchildren live so far away, I am not use to having children in the kitchen while I'm cooking. I had my son reminding me to turn the pan handles in so that no one went home with permanent scars. Also never leave food cooking unattended-a small flame can become a major fire in just 30 seconds. I know that it is recommended to have a home fire extinguisher in your kitchen, but I doubt that I would remember how to work it in an emergency! I like to keep a big box of baking soda nearby-even a box of salt can work to extinguish a fire.
6. In addition when camping or grilling out back be sure to practice fire safety. Make certain that camp fires or charcoal fires are completely out before going inside. Check your backyard grill for rust spots in order to prevent your grill from falling over or hot ambers from falling out.
7. This week is also a good time for a home fire inspection and a home fire drill. How many smoke alarms are in your home? Smoke alarms should be on every level of your home, inside each bedroom, and outside each sleeping area. Have you tested them? Also you should know two ways out of each room of your house, especially your bedrooms. Fire drills need to be practiced twice a year. Be sure to touch a door with the back of your hand before opening it because if the door is hot, then it is not a safe way out. Don't forget to have a designated "outside meeting spot" so that you know that everyone is safely out of the house. You can register your home fire drill online at sparky.org/firedrill. Remind yourself and family members don't stop for toys or other belongings and never go back inside a building that's on fire.
8. At school or at home children need to practice "stop, drop, and roll" in case their clothing or hair catches on fire and to crawl low to the floor when there is smoke. Also remind your children never to hide in a closet or under a bed if there is a fire and to yell so that the firefighters can find them.
9. Children should be introduced early to fire safety literacy. Know how to dial 911 in case of an emergency and know what the word EXIT looks like. Since 9/11, I pay more attention now to the location of EXIT signs when I am in public buildings. Also make certain that you know what your smoke detector sounds like-since most home fires happen between midnight and 6am, you will probably be asleep when it goes off.
10. Use this week also to take the time to thank a fire fighter for their dedication to our safety and well-being.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The other day while shopping I encountered a former Tot Spot, LLC mom. When I first met her, she was a young mom in the throes of having babies-she ended up with 4 under 6 years of age during her Tot Spot, LLC years. Now she is the mother of 4 teenagers (13 to 18) with the oldest being a senior in high school. During our encounter we came to the conclusion that generally most parents reach-as hard as the early years are, it is nothing compared to how hard and trying the teen years can be!
When the kids are young-you can have schedules, you basically make all the choices-what to eat, where to go, what to wear, when to go to bed. But with teens boundaries are so much broader, choices have consequences, toys such as cell phones or sports equipment cost so much more. Life with teenagers can be the most trying.
I can remember discussing my own childcare arrangements with my mom. She always reminded me that as important as it was to be home for your children when they are young, it was more important to be home for your kids when they were older. Even though my mom was a working mother starting when I was 14, one parent saw us off in the morning and one parent was home in the afternoon. My mom went to work early, but she was the one home in the afternoon. Dad on the other hand was the one seeing us out the door-checking how much make up we had on or how many times we had rolled up our skirts. I was in high school and college when mini-skirts were popular. Of course our mini-skirts were nothing compared to the micro-minis of today. If you had a small enough waist, you could manage two turns of your waistband without it looking too bulky!?!
I really "feel" for parents of teens today. It is a scary world out there-drugs, cell phones, and laptops. Somehow the words "drama and teens" always come together. There has always been tears, anger, hormones associated with the teen years, but it is the speed of all this that makes it so complicated. Today gossip moves as fast as a teenagers thumb and pictures get spread around instantly. Make it your business to see that your teen does not divulge too much personal information online, misrepresent or send provocative pictures or worse share embarrassing information or photos of others. Let your teen know that you will take all tech away if they break your trust. If you have questions about being a tech savvy parent, email askrosalind@familycircle.com.
Another aspect of the teen years that does not receive enough attention is the notion of "gender gap." Even though boys and girls sit side by side and learn the same lessons, boys struggle with reading and writing, while girls avoid advanced math and physical science. A recent survey by the U.S. Dept. of Ed. showed that in 4th grade 66% of girls liked science, but by 7th grade only 33% of the girls liked science as compared to 66% of the boys still liking science. And in high school only 15-17% of the girls were in advanced science classes. Plus it is found that at every age level, boys struggle to stay at grade level in reading and writing. Research has shown that 23% of male high school seniors were reading "at below basic" which means they couldn't understand written directions or read a daily newspaper. Also boys just give up and drop out of school.
Solutions for this "teenage gender gap" problem do start early-elementary school. Girls need to see female role models for math and science. Girls need to meet female doctors, vets, bankers, researchers-women engaged in math and science activities. Boys need to be active to learn and thrive. According to research reported in Sept. FAMILY CIRCLE, some schools are getting positive results with stand-up desks or ditching the traditional desk seat and providing students with balance-exercise balls instead. Girls also need to know that females are not hard-wired to have a "math block." Girls need confidence boosters and more practice. Exposure to math during the early years-explore math through cooking and being consistently presented with math challenges. Boys need and are interested in action so let them read about action and write about action. Reading doesn't have to be in the form of a book-comics, magazines,-so instead of buying a video game try SPORTS ILLUSTRATED, CAR AND DRIVER, POPULAR MECHANICS, POPULAR SCIENCE. Also boys need to see dad read-does your son ever see you read a book!?!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Well, today is the 10th day of school in New Hanover County-th magic attendance day for the schools-sometimes students and teachers are switched based on today's attendance numbers.
Today is also the day after Labor Day which for many parts of the country is still the traditional start date for schools.
A recent little "snippet" in WOMAN'S DAY mentioned some suggestions for parents with beginning drivers in the family-
1. Have teens drive a midsize or larger car since small cars don't provide the same crash protection. However skip selecting pickups or SUVs since they are harder to handle and have more of a tendency to roll over.
2. A recent AAA survey showed that 46% of teen drivers text while driving. Parents should lay down the law-no texting, cellphone chats, or iPod use while driving.
The STARNEWS had some great little "parenting" articles this past weekend-
1. Steve Rosen of "Kids and Money" had a great suggestion for college bound students. Sending your child to school with a fireproof mini safe. It is definitely a sign of the times! With identity theft such a problem, tell your student to lock-up bank statements, credit and debit card receipts, passwords, and school ID numbers. Also students should keep prescription drugs under lock and key. Mr. Rosen goes on to mention that laptops used for online activities like banking and shopping should never be left unattended. Maybe that mini safe should be large enough to hold the laptop.
2. Gregory Ramey of "Family Wise" reminded readers that "parents are the most important influence on children's school performance."
a. Send children, which includes teens, to school with enough sleep and exercise.
b. Children need emotionally stable homes
c. Children need homes which are learning friendly
d. Children need to understand that learning is their responsibility.
e. Pay attention to the ways that your children interact with people-friends, siblings, teachers-these are the traits that determine how they will eventually turn out.
In Sunday's PARADE the US Secretary of Ed. also mentioned that all the stimulus money and incentives from the federal government will not work to improve education in America if it is also not accompanied by strong parental involvement-turn off TV, read to and with your children, and stimulate a love of learning by being there.
Next, let's look at some back-to-school health essentials. WOMAN's DAY suggests:
1. Switch to an Aluminum water bottle instead of sugary drinks in plastic bottles. Plus remind them not to share drinks.
2. Provide your child with a pedometer-research show kids move more when wearing one.
3. Serve lunch in a Bento lunchbox. The compartmentalized lunch boxes make it easy to send a variety of cut fruits and veggies.
4. Provide your child with a backpack on wheels. My own new friend has been the "plastic crate" on wheels.
5. Attach a small bottle of hand sanitizer to your child's backpack and lunch bag.
Finally let's end with a look at "How We'll Protect Against Swine Flu" from Sunday's PARADE-
1. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
2. Cough or sneeze into your sleeve.
3. Clean your hands before eating.
4. Talk to your doctor about vaccinations against the flu or using anti-viral drugs.
5. Plan ahead so that someone can stay home with the sick child.
6. Avoid giving your child aspirin for a virus or to reduce a fever.
7. Wait 24 hours after fever has disappeared before returning your child to school.
8. Try to keep the sick child isolated from the other members of the family-maybe the hardest of all.
9. Provide plenty of fluids and rest.
10. Stay informed-check flu.gov

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Do you feel it?-All over New Hanover County there is lots and lots of anxiety-anxious teachers, principals, students, parents, and bus drivers-all hoping for the same thing-a smooth, happy and safe start to a new school year!
This is my 28th new school year here in Wilmington-I can still remember my first day teaching ever-my husband loves to tell this story-Indiana-West Lafayette-January-talked in my sleep all night long-got up and got dressed-out the door-drove from Purdue Married Student Housing to my school in Lafayette and it was closed-there had been an ice storm, but I was so focused that I never noticed the icy bridge, hill, streets-of course when the janitor let me call my husband from the front office (days before cell phones)-I was panicked knowing I had to negotiate those icy streets and bridge to get back to the campus-live and learn-the hard way!
A recent issue of WOMAN'S DAY had some great tips from some good study habits-they almost seem old-fashion in their simplicity, but sometimes tried and true can be the best way to go-
1. When trying to help your child learn a new vocabulary for any subject, the experts suggest read it, write it, say it, hear it-almost like the old flashcard method. Your child reads a new word and definition in textbook-next write new word and definition on note card-next say it out loud to a study partner or parent-and then have your child listen as study partner or parent repeats word and definition. This would work for spelling lists also.
2. Since families are always on the go and younger children often go along to older siblings' games and meets, create a mobile desktop. Again I know this sounds old-fashion when lots of kids are carrying around laptops, but all practice and homework is not on computers. Bring along such things as colored pencils, ruler, notebook paper, study sheets-keep all these things in a lidded container that can be used as a writing surface in the car, at a ballpark, or dance studio.
3. Use color-coded sticky notes to highlight important information in reading assignments. These sticky notes tab the page in order to make it easier to reference an important passage or definition. If your high school student is starting to write papers and needing references to symbolism or characterization, assign a different color sticky note to each example as he reads-say yellow denoting theme maybe blue for symbolism or pink for characterization. It saves time, makes test prep easier, and builds confidence.
4. Lots of kids zone out when they reread every assignment when studying for a test. If a highlighter is used during the initial reading-then only skim, take notes, and outline the concepts noted during the initial reading.
5. Be careful or rather mindful when allowing older children to study with friends. If your child or your child's friend seems to be a "chatterbox," then unfortunately not a lot of studying gets accomplished. For really important assignments or tests-offer to be your child's study pal. You will help keep your child on track and focused; plus it gives you a sense of where your child is with the subject matter.
6. And it brings us to the last suggestion. If you or your child are aware that the material covered in class is confusing or your child seems lost-do not remain silent! Forging ahead when lost or confused is not what the teacher wants your child to do. Speak up, ask for help, tell the teacher about the problem. Teachers take silence as understanding-don't wait to fail the test.
Finally Marty for all the new mothers and dads bringing young ones to preschool for the first time-if there is a hard time at separation then shorten up the time at school. The first day doesn't have to be a complete day. Skip staying for lunch the first day or pick up after just an hour. Your goal is to build trust with your child that you will return for him. This building occurs on the pickup end of the day, not the drop off end of the day.
Thanks Marty and good luck to your son with his senior year and see you in 2 weeks!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Good morning Marty, (Are we there, yet?)
Two weeks from today-traditional school bells ring in New Hanover County Schools-and for a seamless start to the new school year BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS suggests the following planner to avoid any anxiety, turmoil, and frustration.
1. Start changing bedtimes and wake-up times now in suggested half hour increments.
2. Get back to a healthful breakfast served early enough to avoid being distracted by hunger in school.
3. Reduce screen time now and re-introduce reading time-any more than 2 hours a day with TV, computer, or video games interferes with school success.
4. Re-establish morning and after school responsibilities like making beds and when homework is to be completed.
5. Do a walk through of the school- especially if you have a child starting a new school like kindergarten and middle school. For children to know where the bathrooms are located, what the layout for the playground looks like or where the lockers are placed, all this info can be very comforting.
6. Find out where to meet the school bus and practice school bus safety. Know how long it takes to get to the school bus stop so that your child can leave the house in plenty of time.
7. Minimize morning madness by preparing some clothing outfits now. Especially if your school will be enforcing dress codes, you can avoid the hassle and resistance from your child if you do some intervention now. Pretend you are on the reality show "What Not to Wear" and do a 3-way mirror reenactment. Have your child dress in what he or she thinks meets code and you be the show host and critique the choices.
8. Talk now about lunch habits-do your children buy lunch or do they brown bag it. Let your child accompany you to the grocery store so that they can see some of the choices-talk about a balanced diet. Some children enjoy the freedom of making their own lunch-fixing a sandwich, picking out a fruit, choosing a treat.
9. Pull out the wall calendar or clear off the refrigerator in order to be organized for the new school year. Having a designated place in your home for school-related, team-related, or activity-related papers and schedules keeps everybody on time. Tardiness is not a valued trait.
10. Finally, as suggested in WILMINGTON PARENT, review the purpose of education. Talk about why we go to school. Reinforce your goals for your children and encourage their ambitions through a good education.
Marty, as parents move into a new school year, I would like to remind them of some factors that make a great school-not always what you think like test scores and class sizes . According to WORKING MOTHER:
1. The Principal-he or she sets the tone for the school. Is your principal accessible? This person is the one who manages the teachers, trouble shoots disciplinary problems, handles budgets, and establishes plans for academic and staff improvements. And in N.C. is very autonomous-the principal decides how strictly school board or administration guidelines will be followed.
2. Class size-a small class size can be trumped by a gifted-talented classroom teacher. So if you are worried about budget cuts creating larger size classes, don't! Be more worried rather your child gets the premier teacher.
3. Moms and Dads-do you see a lot of them around? Are the hallways filled with volunteers? Parents in the school not only help with events, restock books in the library, or tutor in the classrooms, they also keep administrators on their toes.
4. Accommodations-and I'm not just referring to wheelchair ramps and handicap parking spaces. Does your school have resource teachers, speech therapists, classroom aides, students with IEP's (Individual Education Plans)? The government guarantees students with diagnosed special needs the right to services.
5. Diversity-a diverse environment helps kids develop more open minds and a broader world view of people, events, and experiences.
6. Expectations-what is the focus of your school-math, reading, science, performing arts? Do you have multi-age reading groups, intervention for struggling students like extended day programs, computer programs to practice computation skills, or student portfolios and journals for parent conferences?
7. Extras-PE, music, art, science(yes, science can be seen as an extra when budgets are cut). Look at the way the school displays students' work in the classrooms or hallways-do you see variation, change, creativity, individuality?
For more information on this subject, your listeners can visit the website, GreatSchools.net.

Tuesday, July 30, 2009

This is the time in the summer when everyone starts thinking about Fall, Back to School, and the holidays-busy, busy time of year. The YWCA of the Lower Cape Fear is gearing up for lots of activities.
Right now committees are meeting and I want to highlight some the these. First there is WOMEN IN LABOR DAZE. This is a weeklong celebration of Motherhood. It is an attempt by a group of local women to build, recharge, and empower Mothers-not just a token Hallmark holiday, but a week of activities to explore what it means to "mother." This celebration is the combined effort of BOLD ("Birth" on Labor Day) founded by playwright Karen Brody, Women's Studies and Resource Center at UNCW and the YWCA of the Lower Cape Fear.
The week starts with a family concert at Mayfaire Towne Center featuring Michelle and the Midnight Blues on Tuesday September 1st.
On Wednesday, September 2nd mothers are invited to the regular monthly meeting of Mommie-preneurs at the YWCA. The special share person will tell about JOLLY JUBILEE which is a local vendor fair to support local entrepreneurs. Also on Wednesday Brooklin Green, local comedian, will hold workshops at the YWCA. She will discuss Improv, Stand-up comedy and Open-Mic nights.
Thursday September 3rd takes us to UNCW for a discussion of "Motherhood in History, Mythology, and Psychology." This panel will be organized and sponsored by the Women's Studies and Resource Center on campus. The art department will hold the opening of a show called "The Importance of Being WILD." Andi Steele of UNCW Art and Art History Department is quoted in a recent ENCORE as saying this show will feature art work which represents life choice's as mothers. Local artists have until August 3rd to submit pieces for the show and it is open to all media-3D photography-everything.
Friday, September 4th brings us to the opening night of the play, BIRTH by Karen Brody. The opening will be preceded by a cocktail party and the play will be followed by a "talkback" panel discussion.
Saturday, September 5th will have Townhall style discussions at the YWCA on S. College Road. Suzee Toon will emcee these meetings. Discussions from 10-2 will center on "moms going back to school" and "stay at home dads." Also Saturday night there will be another performance of BIRTH.
Sunday September 6th will feature a matinee performance of BIRTH preceded by a discussion about the challenges of motherhood. This particular discussion will look at the feelings of isolation that comes with motherhood, the issues with trying to have it all (work and caring for children), and the problems with choices women make with motherhood-surrogates, adoption, fertilization, etc.
Finally on Monday, Labor Day, September 7th, there will be a "Birthday Party" at the Mellow Mushroom. It will be a celebration of the empowerment of motherhood and the renewal of the feelings that come with giving birth.
However Marty, here is the best part-if this all sounds very interesting to the folks in your audience, there is still time to volunteer. Starting tonight there will be a call for volunteers to help with the logistics of such an ambitious undertaking. Tonight at the YWCA will be a meeting for volunteers. Come at 6pm to the YW to roll up your sleeves and help with WILD-Women in Labor Daze. The steering committee is such an enthusiastic group of women-young moms, grandmothers, executives all there to celebrate motherhood.
In closing I do have one other piece of business. Please help the YWCA win a $100,000.00 grant. Our National YWCA is in a contest with 3 other non profits for the Allstate Foundation campaign against domestic violence. This is an online click campaign. You can vote once a day online to help select the YWCA receive the $100,000.00 for financial empowerment programs to victims of domestic violence. This contest will run through September 15th. Go to our website www.ywca-lowercapefear.org and find the Allstate Foundation promo on our homepage. The promo is www.clicktoempower.org. We hope to encourage people to spread the word about this contest through other websites, blogs, Facebook, and Twitter. We are in a neck 'n neck race with one other non-profit-so we really need everyone's vote. This money would mean so much to our hallmark programs like "displaced homemakers" and New Choices which operate locally here at the YWCA of the Lower Cape Fear. So please vote every day for the YWCA.

Tuesday, July 13, 2009

You've heard the expression "there's really nothing new under the sun-it just gets a new name or a new generation to discover it. Well the whole idea of a "Staycation Summer" is sort of like that. The notion that you can have fun, relax, and enjoy yourself in your own backyard, neighborhood and community. Growing up as the children of depression era parents, my sister and I experienced alot of "staycation summers." We had alot of day trips to the lake, the farm or the park.
Well in today's economy a new generation of folks will be experiencing home town holidays. However, the families living around Wilmington really have alot more to enjoy and experience than we did sitting in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Here families have beaches, parks, museums, aquariums, and history dating back to the American Revolution.
According to a recent issue of BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS, if you define a vacation as "a break from your usual routine," then any activity different from your daily life will be a vacation.
Start by pretending to be a tourist in your own hometown. Check the website of the convention and visitors' bureau for a calendar of events. The Chamber of Commerce would also have a list of local attractions. You might also want to do a Google map search for nearby parks, lakes, beaches, golf courses, aquariums, planetariums, farms, etc. After you have done the research, you can turn it over to your kids. If your children are old enough, each one can be responsible for a day's worth of activities-swimming, miniature golf, a ballgame, a hike, horseback riding, tubing, fishing, the possibilities are endless.
If your goal is truly to stay in your own backyard, then think of some new things to try. Add a hammock or rocker to your surroundings, nothing is more fun than swaying or rocking in the shade. You do not have to install a pool to enjoy some water activities. Try a slip 'n slide, new spinkler, or just some water toys or bubblemakers. Make an effort to cook outback also. Light up the grill for veggies or s'mores for dessert. Plus you can top off each day with a look at the sky. Set-up a blanket in the yard for an evening of stargazing and sleeping outside so you can have a peek at the sky during the predawn hours.
Vacations or breaks are also time for fun reading, new exercise routines, yoga instead of aerobics, new recipes or cultures and even new hairdos! Mary, did you know that you can actually buy hair products to make your hair look like you have been to the beach? You can get that windblown beachy texture to your hair by spritzing it with a spray of 1 Tbsp of Kosher salt and a couple of drops of conditioner in a bottle of water or you can buy SURF HAIR styling paste.
Locally the STARNEWS printed a section on family-friendly fun that's either free or cheap. Wilmington really is a treasure trove just waiting to be discovered and explored.
1. Parks. I especially like the Halyburton Park Nature Center. The programs are very interesting and educational. Two years ago I took my grand kids for a "walk in the darK" at Halyburton. It was both adventuresome and fun. The guide had so many games and activities for all ages.
2. Beaches. Right now I have Indiana relatives enjoying Topsail Island. They always visit the "sea turtle hospital."
3. Museums. There is the aquarium at Fort Fisher, the planetarium at Sunset Beach, and the serpentarium in downtown. We have such rich history also with Poplar Grove Plantation, Fort Fisher Historic Site, Moores Creek Battlefield, and the Battleship North Carolina Memorial.
4. Entertainment. There are rides back on the Boardwalk at Carolina Beach. We have the Children's Museum of Wilmington. We have lovely garden's to view at Airlie Garden and Orton Plantation.
5. Walks. You can take a guided tour of Wilmington. You can stroll on any of the beaches. You can follow the Cape Fear River Walk.
So for a staycation summer the possibilities are endless and most of it can be found online-just give it a search.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

         This morning I'm going to take a look at tantrums. But before I do I have to share with your listeners a very interesting little saga as to how I arrived at this topic. A couple of weeks ago I got an email from CeCe Nunn of CoastalCarolinaMoms.com asking if I had any tips on diffusing or preventing tantrums. Unfortunately I could not immediately respond that day. As I try to respond the next day, the horrible, dreaded thing happens. My computer refuses to boot up. All the computers savvy folks at the YW try to help me, but unfortunately to no avail. Next it is determined that Jo the computer Dr. has to be called. After Jo spends an unbelievable amount of time trying to boot up any computer-to which he says that my computer is very angry about something-it is sent to the computer hospital. Now I would never have believed the feelings that I had, but I felt cut off and lost. Everything I needed to work on, look for, or respond to was with that computer. I was in shock. I could not believe that I truly had arrived at that point my life was tied up in the computer. Now I know why the cartoon ZITS was so poignant. The dad says that something could be used as a "paperweight" and the son looks at the dad and has no idea what the dad is referring to!?!
          So Marty for your listeners here is my response to "any tips on diffusing or preventing tantrums." Let's first remember that tantrums are not exclusive to just 2 year olds. I've seen a few grown ups throw a tantrum or two. Interestingly though the prevention and diffusion process is similar for any age.
          According to a little newsletter from GROWING TOGETHER (a monthly handout at our preschool) it suggests to make it a habit to talk about what will happen next. No one likes to be "blindsided." If I want a room full of four year olds to happily give up free play, I warn them ahead of time. I literally give a signal-blinking the lights-then tell the children "in 5 minutes clean up will start and think about how you will help clean up."
          Like in real estate where the motto is "location, location, location" the motto for parenting is "consistency, consistency, consistency." According to the author of THE ONE MINUTE DISCIPLINE MAGIC or "The 60 second Discipline Plan," the idea is to have very few rules, but to enforce them every single time. The secret to helping you be consistent is in the "prep time." You can avoid meltdowns if you know where the behavior is coming from. Knowing that your child behaves differently when he is hungry or tired, then try to eat before you go or take a nap before heading out of the house.
          Another little favorite source of information at our school is PARENT AND CHILD by Scholastic. Parents receive this magazine several times during the year at the Tot Spot. Recently I read in the May issue a definition for tantrums. This definition almost has a zen quality about it. Mulling it over in my mind seems to have a quieting effect. Simply stated it says "Tantrums are a temporary discharge of overwhelming feelings that can not be channeled to constructive outlets." So since tantrums can be unnerving for the parent also, try first to step back and take a cleansing breath before reacting. Think about the definition, settle yourself, and remember "this too shall pass!"
          Finally, about a week ago the STAR NEWS did run a great article entitled "Taming Tantrums." In the article, local parenting coach, Holly Kenney of Celebration Parenting did offer some great advice. Holly says love and comfort, not discipline, are the best solutions to eliminate tantrums. Holly feels calm reassurance is the key. Another expert from Child Advocacy Center was also quoted in the STAR NEWS article and she mentions that "distraction is your friend." Parents know their children well enough to recognize that a tantrum is possibly forthcoming, then try enticing them away from the situation. You know Marty this is why most moms carry such huge purses! Moms have to be able to reach in at a moments notice and retrieve some magic trick to distract an unhappy child. My daughter-in-law use to always amaze me at her ability to reach into that purse and pull out just the perfect item to distract a tired, hungry, or over stimulated child. I saw her do it many times with our grandchildren.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

    This morning I want to take time to share some thoughts about Father's Day. Do you ever read the comics? I love cartoons-I am a cartoon clipper-I saved a MALLARD FILLMORE cartoon from last year about Father's Day. It says "a child with a dad in his or her life is 32 less likely to run away, 9 times less likely to drop out, 2.5 times less likely to become a teen parent, 37% less likely to abuse drugs, and half as likely to live in poverty-very powerful thoughts drawn into a very compact space!!
          I also subscribe to a publication called GROWING CHILD which is published in W. Lafayette, IN by some Purdue folks-here are some of their thoughts-
            "Although fatherhood does not get the same attention as motherhood, the reality is that fathers are just as vital to their children's well-being and emotional development as mothers are-there are studies that show:
              1. The more frequently a father visited the hospital of a premature infant; the more rapidly the infant gained weight and the more rapidly the infant was able to leave the hospital.
              2. The amount of time a father spends with a child is one of the strongest predictors of empathy in adulthood.
              3. Students coming from father-present families score higher in math and science even when they come from weaker schools.
              4. The father-present factor lowers suicide risk. Living in mother-only homes contributes more than anything else to suicide for both sexes, but especially for women.
              5. Children have greater psychological health when fathers are present and active. 65% of juveniles and young adults in state-operated institutions come from homes without a father. Around the world, over half of the children, even very young children, admitted as psychiatric patients came from homes without fathers.
              6. There is increased crime when the father is absent. 73% of adolescent murderers come from mother only homes. If you want to see a powerful and poignant movie on this very theme, then watch GRAND TORINO with Clint Eastwood.
          A few years ago FAMILY CIRCLE magazine ran a national poll and asked Dads about fatherhood-
              71% said fatherhood is more demanding than they expected.
              88% said its more rewarding than they expected
              94% feel building a family is the hardest and most important thing a man can do
              91% say they bath, feed and change their babies diapers
          The experts explain that the change in being a dad in the '80's to being a dad today is in the "details of their children's lives." They call this a tectonic change ( a deformation of the structure of parenting). It is viewed as a profound shift that has brought men closer to their children.
          I have been teaching 4 year olds since Jan. 1974, and I can tell you that I see the shift. Dad's today are more involved with the births of their children-80% of dads in the survey for FAMILY CIRCLE report being at their partner's side when their first child entered the world. In the past dads would have worried about appearing "unmanly" if they took paternity leave from work, but today 60% of men report taking paternity leave to help care for a newborn.
          Also Dads today know a lot more about their kids than they used to-which is not surprising because dads today take kids to the doctor, go to parent conferences, go shopping for them, help with their homework, do some of the carpooling, and arrange for play dates.
          In addition, 81% of dads say they worry about child care as much as their partner does. At school about 15 years ago we experienced our first encounter with a "stay-at-home" dad. I can remember being visited by a group of moms complaining that "he dangerously pushed his daughter too high on the swings while on the playground!?!" There in lies the secret to fatherhood-understanding that dads parent differently than moms, but being exposed to both is vitally important!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

    Are you ready? In just 8 days school will be out in New Hanover County for the students on the traditional calendar. That's a mere 192 hours of prep time left to make plans.
          My own grandchildren in Indiana have been out since the day after Memorial Day and obviously the Gosselin Family from "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" is out of school already too because they have been seen on Bald Head Island enjoying the beach.
          So what's a parent to do? If you are a working parent and your children are under 10 years of age, then you need an all-day camp, a retired grandmother, a reliable teenage babysitter, or a "stay-at-home" mom, next door neighbor.
          Also with the "slow economy" parents will have to really be creative and resourceful to avoid those dreaded remarks from their children about being "boooored!" and "having nothing to do!" this summer.
          According to the experts there really are some advantages for children to be in situations where they have "nothing to do." Children with unscheduled, unstructured time are not very common these days. According to WORKING MOTHER magazine, childhood in summertime use to be an endless stretch of time made just for daydreaming and exploring.
          So what's good about downtime?
              1. Downtime gives them a chance to get creative. According to the experts at the Gesell Institute of Human Development in New Haven, Conn, when your child just sits and stares into space, his brain is actually organizing and analyzing information. And since our lives are filled with "information," then your child needs time to digest it. For example, a child playing with a toy like Legos is not just snapping little pieces of plastic together, he is creating his own world, his own place, and his own pace.
              2. Downtime can also keep children from burning out. Children do have big appetites for stimulation, but parents have to be the ones responsible to put on the brakes. Children really don't need 80 choices when it comes to the drive-thru, the breakfast cereal aisle, or the television channels. If everything is a struggle for your children, crying, irritable, cranky, argumentative, then they may need a change of pace.
              3. Downtime can also help your children find themselves. Since an important part of childhood is figuring out who you are, then kids need time on their own to explore what they like to do-study insects, read, write poetry, walk in the woods, listen to the birds. The experts tell us nothing erases the magic of discovery quicker than putting rules and limitations on it-like only playing ball during a game.
              4. Downtime means were meeting our kids needs-not ours! Parenting is not a high-pressure race to the "finish line." Finding balance for ourselves and our kids is perfecting the fine art of making choices and saying no. It is hard to make choices. This is one skill that needs practice and it is best to start small. For example a choice of cereal or waffles is doable, but a choice between dinner at McDonald's or dinner from Harris Teeter is not!
              5. Downtime also shows our children that we value them the way they are. Overstimulation and over structuring can sometimes send the wrong message to our children. Constantly pushing practice and telling them they can do better sends the message that they need improving. Too many extra-curricular classes might be construed to mean there is something wrong with your child because he needs so much enrichment. Kids want to be appreciated for who they are, not for their successes. Kids really do want to give back-so when the giving back comes from being the best at their activities- the pressure is really on big time.
          So parents follow these "downtime" tips this summer-
              1. Do things together-walking the dog through the neighborhood, playing basketball in the driveway, or digging in the garden.
              2. Do nothing together. If your child wants to watch a grasshopper chew through a blade of grass, then stretch out and join him.
              3. Stash supplies-not the expensive kind, but the fun stuff like a stack of old envelopes, a pile of paper towel tubes or a bucket of water and an old paint brush to decorate the driveway.
              4. Kick the kids out of the house-literally! TV and other electronics are downtime killers. Kids are not reaping the benefits of downtime if they are vegetating in front of video games or computer screens.

Tuesday, May 20, 2009

       Let's look at time-a very precious commodity. Time waits for no one! Time marches on! Time to a parent is both a friend and a foe. Given enough time most things will occur-your baby will eventually sleep through the night, your son will get toilet trained, your first grader will learn to read independently, and your teenager will appreciate your efforts.
          If we all have the same amount of time, then why do some folks seem to do more than other folks. According to a recent issue of PARENTS-moms and dads, kids, families throw away time. Plus, in families time is shared and this is the time of year when everyone wants or needs their share of it.
          So let's see what the magazine suggests are the solutions for your family-
              1. Forget fashion whims-save time in the morning and also short-circuit potential arguments about what to wear. If you are the parent that can not allow your child to wear what he wants-then plan ahead. Sort out outfits ahead of time with your kids, not while your under-the-gun of the bus arriving. One mom uses a hanging sweater rack to have the outfits put together and available for instant selection. This particular time waster is the #1 argument in favor of school uniforms.
              2. Buy it when you see it on sale!! For example, don't run to the store every time your child gets a birthday party invite. Instead, stock up on one-size-fits-all kid presents-like books or art supplies. Keep your treasures in a designated spot so there's always something you can pull out, wrap, and give.
              3. Stop competing with Martha! Who says the cookies you send in for the preschool bake sale need to be from scratch? For example, there's a reason grocery stores sell refrigerated dough. Also any cookie sheet or baking dish can be lined with aluminum foil, then you don't have the hassle of scrubbing pans. Plus on my recent trip to visit my grandkids, I learned about "insomnia Cookies." This is a business near the Purdue Campus that delivers warm cookies to your home. All the time I wasted sending my son "goody" boxes during college-now a parent can just call "Insomnia Cookies" place an order, pay with a credit card and your student has warm cookies delivered while he studies!!!
              4. Join the car pool-I know it's tough to entrust your precious ones to someone else's minivan. But if you don't share driving with friends and teammates, then you will end up living in your vehicle. Especially if your child participates in an activity like swim team where you have daily practices, then you really need to also organize a personal carry along bag for yourself. Fill it with note cards for all those thank you's that need to be written, your journal that you never have time to write in, a jump rope so you can exercise, on the spot, your assigned book for your book club, your crocheting, knitting, or smocking projects for Christmas-the list is endless.
              5.   Breaking News/Alert the Media-There is no "laundry fairy." I know this for certain 2, 3, and 4 years can be taught to sort. So start young to get your family to help with the daunting task of doing the family laundry. Also don't wait until your child goes to college to find out that clothes can be worn more than once. With our modern fabrics and air conditioning, school clothes, if hung up after school, can be worn again.
              6. Plan for leftovers-I know it's tempting to try and replicate the "top chef" programs on TV, but most of those shows don't feature families with children. I have always taken a lot of flak for my "one stop" cooking methods which call for large pots of food and lots of freezer containers. However, if you do want to be a gourmet chef in your own kitchen, but you are short on time, then double the recipe and freeze the leftovers. Plus, forget asking your kids what they want to eat. And I personally want to find the mother who introduced the idea of making different foods for each member of the family. What was she thinking!?! Unless your child is handicapped with some medical condition, then he should eat what the grown ups eat. Another vote in favor of leftovers is "lunch box packing time." Leftovers in a lunchbox are much healthier for your child than one of those sodium-filled pre-packages "lunchables."
              7. Finally the "Golden Rule of Organization" Touch paper no more than twice-and it does not matter whether it is snail mail or email-no more than twice. Shuffling the papers stacked on your kitchen counter or the 146 emails in your "inbox" they all eat away your precious time. With paper mail immediately throw away outer envelopes and then file for further action or with email just answer and delete-this time saver I am working on!

Tuesday, May 6, 2009

Well, Sunday is Mother's Day. The busiest day of the year for the telephone companies. I thought we might start by looking at a survey-a while back PARENTING.com surveyed 600 moms-and as expected

97% said their child was ADVANCED in some way!-that's a lot of bright kids!!!

94% said OTHER moms boast about their kids!-but 70% said they only talk about their kids' feats if they are asked.

Also 70% said mom is the most important teacher-more important than Dad, siblings, teachers and other kids!

And that Marty says it all why Mother's Day is at the top of the Hallmark Card list-mom's provide unconditional love and encouragement.

A number of years ago in PARENTING MAGAZINE I read about a mom who was the mother of 5 and a pediatrician-her first child was born a few months after starting medical school and her fifth child arrived seven years later on the final day of her pediatric residency-WOW!! Dr. Mom has 7 secrets to suggest:

              1. Give your child one-on-one time-show your child that you value her by listening-no distractions when your child speaks to you-no "ipod", "no bluetooth."
              2. Putting your kids first does mean you have to make choices. Dr. Mom breastfed all 5 of her children during college, medical school, and internship-a conscious decision!!!
              3. Be part of a team-mom has a certain role to play, but so do others. Dr. Mom sees her role as the principal caretaker of immediate physical and emotional needs. Let Dad and others handle some of the daily routines too.
              4. Be sure to set clear limits and enforce them consistently. Give time outs-time out to yourself before reacting too emotionally, time out to your child to stop aggressive behavior, or time out to the toy or item causing the dispute.
              5. Let your child know that he is responsible for his choices and also responsible for the consequences of his choices. Dr. Mom suggests starting early in allowing your child to make choices which eventually and ultimately makes him responsible for his own happiness.
              6. Use routines, rituals, and traditions to create a sense of togetherness and security. Familiar daily patterns and predictable shared events increase a child's perception of control and confidence.
              7. Take time to recharge-sleep deprivation, isolation, and self-neglect can leave a parent depleted, discouraged, and ineffective. Dr. Mom says everyone needs a night out of weekend away. Now I know why at "Father's Art Night" that the Mother's Day "Do Not Disturb" door knob hangers are so popular!?!

Finally let's do the Mother's Day "Fred Thompson" lightning round with FAMILY CIRCLE's "Secret to Happiness."

              1. Tell your child what you want from him, not what you don't -criticize the performance, not the performer.
              2. Orchestrate a choir of affirmation in your child's head-Turn "no, I can't" into "Yes I can!"
              3. Kids thrive when there are firm boundaries for their behavior.
              4. Tell your child that there is no problem you can't solve together.
              5. Create a caring team-network for and with your child-school, church, sports.
              6. Get them off the couch and turn off the electronics-except for maybe the Wii.
              7. Bank happiness in a memory box-look at the items often!!!
              8. Find magical moments of connection-cultivate interests your family can enjoy together-walking, biking, or maybe roller-skating.
              9. Give them the bounce-back gene-the ability to rebound from setbacks-the coping mechanism!
              10. Instill a sense of wonder-spiritually, sense of nature or altruism(take your child along when you volunteer).

Tuesday, April 23, 2009

This is a busy week at the YWCA of the Lower Cape Fear and just a busy time of year. On Thursday April 23rd is national Take Our Daughters and Sons To Work Day-always the 4th Thursday in April. It has been 16 years since the Ms.Foundation sponsored the first ever observance. It is more than just a "career day" and goes beyond the "shadow" an adult type activity. In addition to exposing girls and boys to what their parents, mentors, or guardians do during the day, it is also designed to show youngsters ages 8 to 18 the value of their education, helping them discover the power and possibilities associated with a balanced "work and family" life, and providing them an opportunity to share how they envision the future.

The theme for 2009 is "Building Partnerships to Educate and Empower." So today's climate of "end-of-the-year" testing in the public schools, a need to economize and go green, and cutbacks in the job marketplace has caused the YWCA to rethink and create a new approach to use in order to help shape "A New Generation At Work."

Therefore we hope by encouraging parents to take the time on Thursday to talk to their daughters and sons about their interest in education, their dreams for college or professional school, and their aspirations for work that we can educate and empower "a new generation at work." The foundation has created a wonderful tool on their website to carry out this very important parent/child talk. If you go to www.daughtersandsonstowork.org <http://www.daughtersandsonstowork.org/> you will see the Activity Center. By clicking on the Activity Center you will reach the "Dream Calculator."

The "Dream Calculator" is the secret to the success of this type talk. It allows you to direct your discussion with your child to the future. You will not get hung-up on "when I was your age" type discussions. The "Dream Calculator" leads the child along with questions based on age and current interests. The end result consists of a multitude of career and job opportunities that are possible for your child to consider. The beauty also of this "Dream Calculator" is that as your child ages and changes interests so do the future possibilities. It is especially critical during the middle school years for parents and children to have these type talks. For example research has shown that seventh grade is a critical age when children, especially girls, have a change in attitude about math and science. If we want to have a country that produces young adults with strong math and science backgrounds, then we need to keep them focused on these subjects in middle school. Something like a peak into future possibilities with the "Dream Calculator" may be all it takes to keep them on track and interested in pursuing more math and science.

Even if you do not have a computer at home, you can go to the public library to access this website. You can also ask a school counselor to help you find this for your child, grandchild, niece or nephew-www.daughtersandsonstowork.org.

Now Marty if that wasn't enough of an assignment for parents or grandparents-Wednesday of this week is "EARTH DAY!!" Our big push at the YWCA is to get kids outside-moving and observing. Behind our building and out-of-sight of the general public, is one of the most beautiful playgrounds in New Hanover County. We have a sandy-sloped, well-shaded playground that is so suited to moving and observing. Spring is my favorite time of the year on the playground.

Getting children outside is very empowering and healthy. It lengthens their attention spans, heightens their powers of observation, and it encourages movement through exploration. So on Wednesday for Earth Day go outside with your children, take a walk in one of our wonderful parks, or stroll around on of Wilmington's designated loops like downtown, Forest Hills, or Holly Tree.

Finally Marty this week is National Volunteer Week and on Saturday many local non-profits will be visited by participants of "Hands-on-Wilmington." At the YWCA we love our volunteers. I encourage parents and grandparents to be examples to their children and grandchildren by doing some volunteer work on Saturday. Call today and ask how you can help!

Tuesday, April 9, 2009

I was out shopping with my daughter a week or so ago and she pointed out the prom dresses-of course she is in her early 30's, but it did bring back some memories of "Prom" season. The prom can be the party of the year or a parent's worst nightmare!?! The supermarket check-out line is filled with lots of magazines to help your teen have just the right style, but a parent needs magazines to help with all the details. A couple of years ago FAMILY CIRCLE had the best article with a "Prom Guide for Parents."

There are close to 12.5 million American teens heading to Proms and they will spend almost $6.6 billion- that is about $1,049.00 per couple-Proms are big business! And it should be pointed out that of all the regions in the U.S.-southern girls spend the most money on prom dresses-an average of $258.00 per dress.

So let's look at what a family-economics researcher suggests-
              1. Talk to your teen about a budget for prom night-fashion, beauty, ticket, dinner, and transportation. Especially in this economy, a budget talk is very important-that is when parents need to be creative and clever-Dress swaps, progressive dinners, and carpooling in the limo!-everyone picked up and dropped off at one location.
              2. Decide which prom expenses are must-haves and which are frills. For example, prom tickets and a dress or tux are necessities, but the perfect PRADA handbag is not!
              3. The idea that the boy always is the one to ask and therefore is always the one to pay is as outdated as an 8-track cassette. As costs for proms have escalated, so has the idea that teens need to negotiate financial terms-work out ahead of time who is paying for what. If the boy buys the tickets, then maybe the girl can cover the cost of dinner.
              4. Even if your teen can afford all the extras, like a day at the Spa before the prom, do you really want them at so young an age having such expectations. Research has shown that kids who go overboard may experience a more profound sense of "prom remorse" than kids on a controlled budget.
              5. Next establish "rules" for prom night. 12% of prom-goers attend only the school sponsored parties which likely will be well supervised. 27% go to private parties. 16% of prom-goers also rent hotel rooms. Plus 14% report they plan to wind-up alone with their dates!!
              6. Since only 10% of kids head home after the last dance, the national Students Against Drunk Driving research has found that kids really want clear-cut rules and are less likely to drink if they think parents will be waiting up for them. In 2004 during May prom weekends nearly half of traffic deaths among 15 to 20 year olds involved alcohol.
              7. Also a "prom night promise" or contract with your teen is valuable. Instead of sending your teen off to prom with a vague "Be good or Behave," discuss and put on paper rules and the consequences. The national SADD organization has a free prom-specific version that parents can download from the website.
              8. When your near-hysterical teen is whining or having a hissy-fit, it's easy to feel like the only parent on the block asking questions. The experts tell us that teens can make parents think that other parents are for more permissive than they actually are. So what's a parent to do-call other moms and dads-and say " I know we have the same concerns, so please forgive me for asking, but will you be supervising the prom party at your beach house?"
              9. Start the conversation about the dark side of prom night now. If you want your teen making good choices, shed some light on the potential for alcohol, drugs, and sex. And make sure your teen knows how you feel and what your expectations are concerning all three.
             10. Finally, parents need to help their teen manage expectations to avoid the post prom letdown. Kids today generally socialize in packs, so they have less experience with actual dating. Because teen egos notoriously fragile, remind your child to be courteous when accepting or declining a date for the prom. A survey from the website yourprom.com says that teen girls' top prom fears are
                    1. Date not showing up!
                    2. Waking up with a huge zit!! Or
                    3. Wearing the same dress as someone else! And 33% of teen girls plan to spend 3 to 4 hours getting ready for prom night and 17% expect to spend more than 4 hours preparing for the big event-very high expectations.

Also your child knows the partying culture of his school much better than you do, so be prepared if your child opts out of prom activities or chooses an anti-prom activity or new term "alternaprom." Some gay and religious student organizations have offered alternatives like the No-prom which raised money and awareness about genocide and refugee problems in Sudan or the Two-Worlds Prom that brought Muslim culture to the event by the boys and girls partying separately.

Marty, I heard you mention that one son has a girl friend, so what are your plans for prom season!?!?!

Tuesday, March 25, 2009

This morning I thought we might look at the idea of teens traveling without parents. What use to be reserved for the college crowd has become increasingly common among high schoolers. A recent travel-industry study found that more than 70% of adolescents had taken a non-family group trip in the past 12 months.

Of course all these non-family, group trips are not like the spring break trips depicted on MTV. Now instead of party trips, teens are finding a broader range of experiences open to them. I've heard parents discuss school trips abroad, scout camping, and hiking trips, and church ski trips. At the YWCA we have been the destination for youth groups coming to town to volunteer, lie on the beach and sleep on our floor in sleeping bags.

Some experts see this solo time for your teens as a practice run at adulthood. It is a way for your teen to build confidence in her ability to handle the world. On these solo excursions your teen can have a chance to face ordinary adversities like getting lost, running short on cash, or missing the bus. She will learn from the experiences and in coping on her own will build resilience.

The current issue of BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS features a parent "pop quiz." It has six questions to help you gauge your high schoolers maturity and readiness level for traveling solo.

            1. "What has his behavior been like lately?" If your high schooler has partied irresponsibly in the past at home on weekends, then it is not going to change on a solo trip. The owner and operator of a student tour group warns parents not to expect better behavior away from home than at home.
            2. Who's paying for this, anyway? The experts report that if teens shell out their own cash for at least a portion of their trip. then they're more likely to be a trustworthy traveler.
            3. What kind of supervision will there be on the trip? Remember that just because a tour operator has staff on site doesn't mean they are watching 24/7. If your child will be traveling with an organized group like Scouts, church, or school, ask for references and call the references.   If your teen is going with friends, meet with her travel partners and their families to agree on ground rules.
            4. How will she spend her time? Ask for an itinerary so that know what she'll be doing each day. The experts point out that if there is too much downtime, kids get bored, and that's when they get into trouble. If there seems to be large gaps in the day, talk to your teen ahead of time about fun but safe things to do to fill in the gaps.
            5. How often should he check in? Make sure you have all contact information which includes hotel phone numbers and mobile phone numbers of every adult who's traveling. Your teen should have a phone also even if it is an inexpensive pay-as-you-go phone. Require your child to call you at regular intervals with the understanding that if you don't hear from him by the appointed time, then you are going to sound the alert.
            6. What will they do in an emergency? Before they leave, play the "what if" game. Talk about contingency plans for everything from getting a flat tire, being invited for a ride by someone who has been drinking, or losing luggage or a purse. Even though the experts are viewing these non-family trips as practice for adulthood, we should be reminded that neuroscience research has revealed that the adolescent brain is far from fully developed and social judgment remains immature. Therefore it's a wise parent's job to protect their teens from situations that could lead to disaster. So parents do your homework and remember if it doesn't feel right, then trust your instincts. Just because everyone else is going, doesn't mean your child has to go.

In addition, if you are one of the parent chaperones on a school, church, or scout trip, check out your personal liability. In the litigious environment that we live in today, ask if the group has insurance to cover your participation. Even as a volunteer you can be held personally responsible in some situations.

So Marty what's a parent to do? Spring Break for the New Hanover County Schools is less than 2 weeks away, but there is still time to ask questions, read the fine print, or maybe back out!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

March is Women's History Month and the YWCA of the Lower Cape Fear is sponsoring a Lunch 'n Learn panel discussion next Tuesday, March 17th at 11:30am on Gender/Speak and Women's History Month. So I thought this morning that we might look at the role of women as workers, mothers, and leaders.

First let's explore where women are statistically. According to the website for DIVERSITY INC in 1975 only 47% of women with children under 18 worked, but today 71% of women with children under 18 work. And if you look at the stats for women with children under 6, today 63% work vs. 54% in 1986.

In 1976, 27% of women were self-employed and today 38% of women are entrepreneurs. In addition there has been a 67% increase in the number of women earning 4-year degrees. But even with all this additional education, women were not guaranteed equal pay for equal work until 1963 when Congress passed the Equal Pay Act. Earnings for women with college degrees has increased by 34% since 1979, but the median weekly income for women still lags behind the median weekly income for men. Today women with college degrees average $832 per week while men average $1,131 per week.

Today women are 51% of the population and 48% of the workforce, but as leaders in the workforce, they lag way behind men. It wasn't until 1964 with Title VII of the Civil Rights Act that women were protected under the law from discrimination in employment on the basis of sex. And 45 years later only 36% of managers are women. The glass ceiling is still hard to breakthrough.

In fact if we look at FORTUNE 500 companies only 2.4% of them have women as CEO's. Only 14.7% of these companies have women on their board of directors and only 15.6% of these companies have women as corporate officers. The 12 FORTUNE 500 companies with female CEO's are PepsiCo, Xerox Corp., Wellpoint, Kraft Foods, Archer Daniels Midland, TJX, Rite Aid, Sara Lee, Avon Products, Reynolds American, Safeco, and Western Union.

With the last Presidential election fresh in our memories, you would believe that women have always been part of the political process. But of course that just is not true!!! The 19th Amendment to the Constitution guaranteeing women the right to vote did not become law until 1920. Even though some states allowed women to vote like Colorado as early as 1893, it was not until the 20th Century that women were guaranteed this right-that's only 89 years of women voting in a country that is 233 years old. Women today are much more politically active, but they still only represent a small portion of elected positions. Today 16% of US Senators are women and 16% of the US House of Representatives are female. And with our own North Carolina Governor, Bev Perdue, added to the statistics, 18% of the 50 states are led by women.

So why, you ask, is it important for organizations like the YWCA to hold panel discussions on Women's History Month and GenderSpeak, and talk about breaking through the glass ceiling of corporate America in heels? First of all, it has only been 28 years since Sandra Day O'Connor became the first female appointed to the Supreme Court. Professional opportunities for women have not always been available. For example, Title IX was made into a law in 1972 (37 years ago) which bans sex discrimination in schools. Not too long ago the STAR NEWS covered a story about local female athletes complaining about the inequality of dressing rooms provided for female athletes compared to male athletes. The struggle is not over. We still have barriers to break down even if it is only in the way we communicate. So come to the YWCA on Tuesday March 17th at 11:30am to hear women discuss this topic. There will be some great ideas put forth:

1. Life Coach
2. Stand-up Comedian
3. Interim Director of the UNCW's Women's Resource Center
4. Entrepreneur
5. local President of AAUW
6. Rep. of Executive Women's Golf Assoc.
7. local "Leave No Trace" Trainer

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

This is the time of year when parents are out searching, researching, and registering for preschool and kindergarten for the 2009-2010 school year. As you ride around town you will notice signs announcing open houses, parent meetings, and sign-up dates at local churches, private schools and day cares.

This is the time of year when parents, even grandparents and great grandparents, are out visiting schools. Some facilities offer spontaneous visits and others offer scheduled visits-certain days of the week are set aside for tours.

Also North Carolina has established a new school entry date of 5 years old on or before August 31st rather than the old cut off date of October 16th. So far the 2009-2010 school year local preschools and kindergartens will be enforcing the new cut off date of August 31st for organizing their 2, 3, or 4 year olds.

So what's a parent to do? Start by asking questions. The first question might be "should I spend the money to send my child to preschool?" According to researchers preschool provides a strong foundation for learning and opportunities for independence, sharing, and following directions. Statistically it is reported that nearly one-half of all 3 year olds are enrolled in some kind of program. It goes up to 70% enrollment for 4 year olds. However, some point out that this trend is also influenced by the increase in the number of working moms.

The next question has to do with choice-what are the options available in the area? According to PARENTS Magazine there are lots of options available-you just have to ask. There are religious preschools, preschools at private schools or day care centers. There are free programs run by the state and federal governments. For example the local YWCA which I am affiliated with has a half day preschool and kindergarten program and it has been in operation since January of 1981.

The big question becomes "what type of program do I want for my child?" In our area most programs are one of 3 types-play-based, Montessori, or co-op. Around the country and in larger metropolitan areas you will also find Waldorf Centers and Reggio Emilia. According to WONDERTIME play-based programs offer lots of opportunities for free play and experimentation with emphasis on social development as well as core motor and preliteracy skills. So when play is the main emphasis, then play equipment is important. Look for a variety of toys, duplication of toys and both indoor and outdoor play areas.

Co-ops are programs where parents are actively involved with the teaching side of the program. Parents actually spend time working in the classroom. When looking at a cooperative style program, know what it is all about group dynamics. Every parent has an opinion and an obligation to participate in the planning and execution of the programming. It saves you money, but it also demands a large commitment of time and energy for meetings and team work.

The third type program available in our area is Montessori. This is a preschool based on a "prepared environment" as described by founder Maria Montessori. The children use their senses and work with materials introduced in a very deliberate way. The children are organized in mixed age groups with few adults. The approach calls for teachers to observe and intervene only if needed and the children are encouraged to learn from each other.

Finally ask questions about schedules-like flexibility in days, about tuition-like actual unit price per hour, about extras-like music, field trips, swimming, parent conferences and so on.

I do want to take this opportunity to invite your listeners to come by the YWCA on S. College Road next week for our parent meetings. We do a different age group each evening starting with the 2's and under 2's on Monday evening, 3's on Tuesday evening, 4's on Wednesday evening and 5's on Thursday evening. Each meeting is at 7pm- meet the staff, try out the equipment and discuss the curriculum.

My last suggestion has to do with the marketing tool called "the elevator speech"-how do you hear the program described in one minute or less-so parents always ask for the elevator speech when you meet staff "How would you describe your program?"

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Saturday is Valentine's Day and I thought we could look at some fun-filled, family friendly ways to make the day special without spending a lot of money.

To start with-let's face it "time" is one of the most precious commodities in most families-so what should you give someone on Valentine's Day-TIME! No shopping, no errands, no cleaning-just undivided time with the family. According to the experts in the February issue of WILMINGTON PARENT kids do want more than material things. So how can we spend the day?
              1. Meals at home can be special when you add a few surprises. Start with breakfast and serve some heart-shaped pancakes or waffles. Stick to the theme with strawberry syrup. For lunch, you can add a few "conversation hearts" along with heart-shaped sandwiches. Each year the candy company that produces "conversation hearts" adds a few new ones like TOP CHEF, YUM YUM, or STIR IT UP, so ask your kids to create some sayings of their own. Use this opportunity to have some sweet conversations at meal time. For supper on Sat. pull out all the stops-bring out candles, good linens, and best dishes. Let the kids create a special dessert-this is so easy even the youngest child can join in-take two Twinkies and cut them diagonally. Next put them together on the plate so that they create a heart. Finally add a few chopped or sliced strawberries and some powdered sugar. You have an elegant kid-friendly dish without a lot of trouble or expense.
              2. Turn Saturday into a kid friendly day-turn the spotlight on your children by making them "King or Queen" for the Day!! Make a Valentine crown and write an official "Proclamation" declaring Saturday February 14th his/her LOVE Day. Play only their favorite games, sing love songs to them, give them your undivided attention-no cell phones, no text messages, no e-mails, share lots of hugs, kisses, tickles, hair tousles, and pats on the back. Design a "secret sign or signal" to be used from that day forward as a way of saying, "I love you!" without any risk of embarrassment or public knowledge-just your special secret.
              3. Filling the day with love for the entire family is no easy task, but it can be done and cheaply. Have the kids write some love messages on sticky notes and put them in dad's or mom's day planner for future reminders. Have the kids cut out simple paper hearts and tuck them in surprise places to be found on Valentine's Day-maybe the sock drawer, in the morning paper, under a dinner plate, attached to the toothpaste or in a coat pocket. Also don't forget to include extended family like in-laws or grandparents in the day's festivities-make coupons to be redeemed later. Your kids might make coupons for chores or other good deeds. It can be as simple as redeemable for a hug or a kiss.
              4. Some additional inexpensive, but yet off beat together activities for the special day include dancing. Roll up the rugs, put on some music and dance. BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS suggests a family power walk or yoga session-those feel-good endorphins generate closeness and promote healthy living. Get the family together and go serenade someone-a shut-in, an older neighbor, or a resident of a nursing home. If your children play instruments let them perform for you-a private concert.
              5. The experts are telling us that kids are not connecting enough with the natural world-fields, forests, and animals. Make Valentine's Day, the day, to re-establish love for the outdoors. Wilmington is blessed with great parks. Pack a picnic lunch and enjoy it at a local park. Walk the path around Hugh MacRae Park and enjoy the little bridge and lovely water fountain. Go to Greenfield Park and watch the animals-maybe take some stale bread and feed the ducks. Go to Halyburton Park and learn about wildlife-let your children collect sticks, pinecones, or gumballs. As reported in WILMINGTON PARENT, the gift of nature isn't fancy or expensive, but it is something that your children will treasure just the same.
              6. As parents remember each other on Valentine's Day-the greatest gift to your children is the love that you have for each other. Show your spouse special attention on Saturday-maybe a heart with an arrow through on a steamy shower door. Give your spouse that special touch with a backrub, manicure, pedicure, or facial.
              7. Ending the day as a family with a special board game or favorite movie all snuggled together on the couch is fitting for the fun-filled, family friendly celebration of Valentine's Day 2009-one to be remembered, so take lots of pictures!!!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Friday, February 6th is WEAR RED DAY for Women's Heart Health. The first Friday in February has been designated as the day to bring attention to Women's Heart Health by Woman's Day Magazine and the American Heart Association.

Even though breast cancer has garnered a lot of attention and continues to be a very serious health problem for women, it is however heart health that remains the #1 killer of women in America. Every year heart health issues kill more American mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and sisters. And with the disabling effects of stroke it continues to cut short, lessens, and diminishes the quality of life for America's women.

If you are a mother, grandmother, aunt, or sister please take the time to investigate your heart health. Unlike with breast cancer, you can take a proactive stand against heart problems. You can take charge of your heart health through check-ups, diet, and exercise. Good heart health habits can bring about measurable results when it comes to improving your chances of surviving and living longer.

First, if you smoke, STOP!!!!! There are so many reasons why you should not smoke and your heart health is just one of many. In this economy, stopping a smoking habit would save you lots of money. It would make you a "green" person. It would relieve you from the guilt of creating "second hand smoke" for others especially children. It would improve your circulation and blood flow. The list is endless as to why smoking is such a bad habit.

Second, if you are overweight then you increase your risk of heart disease. Start at home to check yourself out and find your risk factors. According to the experts, there are 4 at home body checks to use. Start with Body Mass Index-the ratio of weight to height. If you were lucky enough to receive Wii Fit for Christmas, then you can check and record your BMI daily. A BMI of 25 or greater needs some attention.

The experts also say that the size of your waistline may be an even better heart health indicator than BMI. A waistline larger than 35 inches ups your risk factor for heart disease. To accurately measure your waist use one of the new spring loaded tape measures like "MyoTapeBody" Tape Measure. It takes the guesswork out of how hard you should pull the tape and wear exactly to measure.-ideally you measure just above your belly button.

The next at-home body check involves your Waist-to-Hip Ratio (WHR). This stat calls for some "math knowledge" so you may want to find a calculator. You divide the size of your waist circumference at its narrowest point by the size of your hips at their widest point. This calculation should result in a number less than 0.8-higher then you are at a greater risk for heart disease and stroke. It boils down to the old question-do you look like an apple or a pear?

The 4th at home body check was considered taboo for many years with the weight management crowd, but new studies have literally brought it back out of the closet-the old at home bathroom scales. Of course the new generation of bathroom scales is very high tech with lots of added bells and whistles. A recent 18 month study found that women who stepped on a scale daily were much more likely to take corrective action if they saw the numbers creeping up. Some of the new technology built into your bathroom scales measures weight and body fat percentage including the amount of dangerous belly fat.

Some additional heart health habits to start include exercise and diet to your lifestyle. Wearing a pedometer for a week and knowing that you take at least 10,000 plus steps a day is a good measure. Adding an apple or pear to your daily diet improves cardiovascular health. Have regular checks so that you know your numbers for cholesterol, triglycerides, vitamin D levels, blood pressure and blood-sugar. Try keeping all this information in a daily journal so that you can track your heart health habits. A new study that tracked 1,685 middle-aged people for food intake and physical activity found that the folks who wrote down what they ate every day lost twice as much as those who didn't-journaling is also a good for emotional health, too.

So, Marty-I won't be seeing you Friday Feb. 6th but I hope you will wear something red to remind your wife to take care of her heart health-#1 killer of American women.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

This morning at the YWCA there will be a Lunch 'n Learn panel focusing on the "New Face of the Entrepreneur." Available will be a group of successful women to tell about the course of action needed to follow in order to be self-employed, be your own boss, and dictate your own destiny. On the panel will be Lynn Hagin, a Life Coach and Development Director for WAAV's own Reggie Shrapshire from the Action COACH, Mitzi Kincaid, an attorney who specializes in business law, Joy Allen, founder of WILMA and current IMMEDIA, Sherry Dunn, business specialist with H&R BLOCK, Pam Palanza, developer of Wilmington Child Care.com, and Cheri Olsen, leader of LADIES WHO LAUNCH. Starting at 11:30, these women will share the secrets of their success and the best advice needed for those who want to strike out on their own.

All of these panelists have been part of the monthly Mommie-preneur group that meets at the YWCA. They have the background, information, and guidance to help any woman at any stage who wants her own business, has an idea for a product, or who just wants an outlet for her dreams. You will be free to ask the panelists for legal advice, financial help, or start-up information. There is no barrier concerning age and stage-everyone is welcome-new moms, empty nesters, or grandmothers.

Now, I know your listeners are asking what does this have to do with parenting!?! Well, in a sour economy women have historically been the driving force to turn to "sell-at-home" direct sales to temporarily boost the family income or to bridge the gap between full-time jobs. According to a recent article featured in the STARNEWS, women do about 90% of the selling within the $30.8 billion (that's with a "b" not an "m") direct sales market. In fact the industry reports that the rise in the sales force is for women with professional backgrounds. Industry analysts see a trend of women leaving professional careers, that is, corporate careers such as bankers, lawyers, and physicians because of too much structure. These women are saying that they want more control over life and time.

Direct sales (home-based selling) is entrepreneurial in nature. These type of businesses have a comparatively low start-up costs. There is also very little risk involved and a lot of flexibility. Women involved in direct-sales report that it appeals to them because they can work around their families-new moms, moms with school-age kids, or boomer-age women with family caretaker responsibilities.

Another appeal for sell-at-home careers has to do with the idea of avoiding the pain of saving for something. Many of the women reported being motivated to start this type of career because they needed money for a major project or home repair. Going out and earning the money was going to be easier and quicker than having the time to save for it.

Also, The Direct Selling Association in Washington, DC reports that the reason for growth surges in their type of businesses during a recession has to do with the fact that most items sold are non-necessity items and they sell for moderate prices. There is a demand for this type of product-clothing, cosmetics, jewelry, skin care, and home decor like candles. In down times people do not forgo these little luxuries. In fact the demand comes from the idea that this type of purchase can be a "little pick-me-up" at a moderate cost.

So mom or grandma if you have the drive or motivation to be your own boss, the personality and saavy to sell, and the need for income, then you might want to explore "sell-at-home" opportunities. Also all direct sales are not just like the "Avon Lady" hawking her products door-to-door, there is the whole .com world out there to explore. Many new direct-sales ideas are based with online companies. The new companies provide the training, ongoing support, and the starter kits.

If you have questions about selling-at-home, starting your own business, or just want some help following your dreams, then come to the YWCA today at 11:30 and pick the brains of the panelists. Try to find out everything you need to know about being an entrepreneur.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

'Tis the season-this is the time of year when parenting can be tough. We hate to see our kids unhappy (or worse spiraling into major meltdowns) so all too often we take the path of least resistance and give in. Saying no teaches children (young and old) important lessons. Kids who understand that they can't always have their way or what they want will be more likely to be successful in school, relationships, and their careers. Dr. Susan Newman, social psychologist and author says that children who have parents who say "no" learn how to prioritize, how to deal with disappointment, how to argue, and how to strike a balance between work and play.

So what's a parent to do-here are nine situations in which the experts suggest that parents should stand firm.
            1. The Supermarket-the checkout meltdown where your child goes for the candy. Remind your child that your job is to keep her healthy and you choose the treats.
            2. The Bedtime Stall-your child wants extra drinks of water or insists on looking for something. Remind him that stalled time cuts into bedtime story time or cuts into playtime because he will have to start earlier getting ready for bed.
            3. The sleepover-your daughter begs to go to a sleepover on a Saturday night. You know that sleepovers only work when your child can sleep late the next day and your family has plans for Sunday. Here is where you can say yes, but to a different day.
            4. The oversize birthday party-your child wants to invite her entire class to her party. Here is where you were to use the "rule." You invite the number of children equal to your age. So for a 5 year old that means 5 friends.
            5. The "must-have" item-depending on your child's age find out why she wants it-is it just because or she wants to fit in? Here is where you can use that mythical list-put it on Santa's list or put it on your birthday list. You don't always get everything on your list-you don't always get what you want in life.
            6. The Late Show-it's Friday night and your child wants an exception to the bed time rule. You know your child needs rest and structure. Here is where modern technology saves the day and the begging-just record it.
            7. The homework hassle-your child is suppose to do homework right afterschool, but a friend shows up to play. Remind your child that school is his job so he needs to plan ahead. If you want to play when you get home, then do your homework on the bus or early in the morning.
            8. The younger-sibling syndrome-your younger child always wants to do what his older sibling does.   Remind your child about safety and practice-set an age and stick to it for various activities like riding a bike to a friends house when you are 10.
            9. The "dog" you will be walking-say no unless you are prepared to accept the extra responsibility. Adding a pet of any kind to your household is like adding another child. If your child insists have him demonstrate his willingness to be responsible by being assigned another chore for a given period of time. For example, taking out the trash for 3 months without being reminded-if that happens then he might be ready for a pet.

Since this might also be the year that Santa will be saying no to some requests, think of ways to create memories instead of giving stuff.
            1. Spend time cooking together. This might be the year to really bake that gingerbread house. Fill your home with the aromas of the season.
            2. Give time-have your family sign-up to deliver "meals on wheels" on the weekend.
            3. Make coupon books-use all that computer prowess that you have and create personalized coupon booklets filled with offers of good deeds. I know that I would love a coupon book filled with offers to wash my car!
            4. Instead of buying gifts for everyone-decide to draw names or do a "Secret Santa" with the family and try to really keep the secret.
            5. Take your family to free activities this year. Schools and churches are bursting with wonderful programs and festivities. Right here Marty has been talking about his wonderful BETHLEHEM LIVE and it was free!
            6. Go caroling-practice a few holiday songs and go caroling at a nursing home.
            7. Make dinner potluck-everybody brings something to the meal.

So remember simple acts of the season stay with us as precious memories. Rituals are the anchors to our childhood. Traditions forge family identities. So one of the privileges of being a parent is being able to carry on meaningful rituals from the past and adding new ones for the future.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Well, we have already had Black Friday and Cyber Monday, but I bet there is still a lot of shopping "in-store"-no pun intended-left for a lot of your listeners-especially grandparents, aunts, and uncles.

Many of the current popular magazines that you see displayed at your grocery store check-out have lots of suggestions for gifts. I particularly liked the listing of "Toys of the Year" in the current PARENTING Magazine. The magazine has the toys listed, not by price range, but by ages and stages and they are mom tested. You can also find these listings on the magazine website.

However if you are out shopping, going through catalogs or searching websites, then here are some guidelines to remember.

When buying a gift for a child 18 months and younger, it is all about DISCOVERY! Look for toys such as mobiles, soft books and rattles. By rattles I mean anything that makes a noise and causes the child to try and make a connection between the noise and the object. At this age stacking toys are great for eye-hand coordination. Also push-pull toys are enjoyed by this age as they learn to crawl, stand, and walk.

If a toddler, that is ages 18 months to three years, is on your shopping list, then it is all about ACTION! Gross motor skills and balance are evolving. Gross motor means bigger movements like climbing, running, and throwing. Fine motor skills are also evolving so they can enjoy clay for squeezing, (you know Play dough but they still do put things in their mouths), blocks for building, but they still do like to throw, and crayons or markers, but they only have control at their shoulders so watch out for the walls. Role playing or pretend play is also emerging so it is a good time to introduce a kitchen set or workbench so they can emulate Mom or Dad.

If a preschooler (ages 3 to 5) is on your radar, then it is all about TEAMWORK! Social play meaning sharing, taking turns, and cooperation are operatives at this age. Puzzles, "junior" board games and "pint-sized" athletic toys are good choices. This is also the stage when make-believe and imaginative thought start to emerge. Dress-up clothes, props, and paint are good choices. Since dexterity (handedness) and fine motor control are continuing to evolve, then building sets and blocks are great gifts. There are some pricey toys out there for this age group and of course it is all about technology. There is the iTEDDY which is like the hand held video games that the older kids enjoy. My particular favorite was the KidiJamz Studio from V-Tech which is a mini-DJ Station-!?! Rhonda's grandchild needs one of these.

Now if you have a 5 to 8 year old on your list, then you need to remember that it is all about CURIOSITY! This is when thinking skills are evolving like concentration, memory, strategic planning and problem solving. Your search should include science and math kits, computer games, learning software and maybe a beginner musical instrument. Plus their gross motor skills are now honed enough to be able to handle bikes, skates, scooters, and fancy jump ropes. It is also safe to involve them in more complicated arts and crafts such as beading, scrapbooking, stamping, cooking, sewing like beginner cross-stitch, and baking like assembling a gingerbread house.

But if you are out shopping for a pre-teen in the 8 to 12 year old bracket, then remember it is all about INDEPENDENCE! Since this is the stage where definite preferences are evolving, then either reinforce a particular interest or hobby or try to introduce a new one. This is what I like about "hobby kits." They either open up new opportunities or they add to the existing collection. Because socialization skills are also emerging and evolving at this age, toys like trading cards and karaoke machines are good buys. Fairness is important to this age group so they can enjoy knowledge-based or strategy-driven board games. You can get board games now in the original version or electronic version. A perfect example of this is UNO- the inexpensive stocking-stuffer deck of cards or the $30.00 electronic version called UNO FLASH.

Finally if you are out shopping for a teen-that's 13 and up, then remember it is all about CHOICE!- THEIRS!! So I recommend gift cards-

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

This morning I want to tell your listeners about a special Lunch 'n Learn series that we have going on at the YWCA called Women's Leadership Initiatives. Every other month a special panel will discuss various topics of interest to women. Today at 11:30am the panel will focus on a new model for volunteerism. This topic is appropriate for November since it is National Non-profit Awareness Month. In fact in the non-profit world there is a rule of thumb that says (3) volunteers equates to (1) full time paid staff person. So to non-profits volunteers are very valuable.

At the YWCA volunteerism also fits our mission since we strive to empower women. Being a volunteer can be a career mapping tool. Volunteers develop leadership skills, network with other professionals, and in the process help humanity. When a person chooses to be a volunteer, they can either be part of program delivery or governance.

The panel this morning at the YW consists of Eileen McConville, Director of Volunteer Services for New Hanover Health Network. She recruits and oversees more volunteers than any other person in this region. She will address the daunting job of finding new volunteers as the hospital expands. Also on the panel is Rabbi Robert Waxman from B'Nai Israel Synagogue. He will discuss "tikkun olam" which is a Hebrew phrase when loosely translated means "to repair the world." Another panelist is Faye Jacobs with the Department of Aging at the New Hanover County Senior Center. She is part of the "Meals on Wheels" Network. She will share ideas on how to keep volunteers in a tight economy-spending their own resources to help others! The last panelist I want to mention is Alane Savod. She is a volunteer at the YWCA and is working to develop a new model for volunteers to follow as they come to the YWCA to help.

For women seeking empowerment, volunteerism can be a tool to help build a resume. Women who serve on the boards of directors of non-profit organizations receive training, learn to understand the fiduciary responsibility of being on a board, and enjoy the camaraderie of other board members. Board participation is a very important networking tool and an easy way to find a mentor.

I know your listeners are wondering "how does a panel about volunteerism" fit the topic of parenting. But it does! Some of the most rewarding and fulfilling volunteer opportunities exist in the public schools. And who fills most of the roles as volunteers? Moms and Dads! In fact school administrators know that as the number of parents who volunteer increases so does the numbers on achievement scores. Academic performance improves with parental involvement.

A recent issue of WORKING MOTHER Magazine lists some of the best practices for schools to follow to engage working parents as well as stay-at-home moms and dads!
            1. Surveys-Poll parents to ask them their interests and best times for volunteering (morning, afternoons, evenings, or week-ends.)
            2. Volunteer Coordinators-PTA's should have someone who serves as the head of volunteer activities and keeps track of participation. There should be a go-to-person in the organization.
            3. Welcoming climate- The school administration should roll out the red carpet to moms and dads who want to help. Also the appearance of cliques and of territorialism should be avoided.
            4. Night and Weekend Projects- This effort gives working parents an opportunity to help and feel part of the school-ownership
            5. Communication-Emails and newsletters are essential. Even the old idea of a phone tree is not bad-especially with the world walking around with cell phones.
            6. Family Activities-The best way to ensure a large crowd for a meeting-hold it at dinnertime and serve food. Parents will come to a meeting if they don't have to cook when they get home.
            7. Child Care-You will also increase participation at an event if you provide care and entertainment for the kids while the parents take part in the meeting or activity. There is one hook to this concept though and that is when parents are asked to chaperone an event. It never works if younger or older siblings come along.
            8. Workshops-School administrators can find it very helpful to provide parents with instruction on topics like homework, peers, or curriculum before work hours-bring the kids in early and have a breakfast meeting or keep the kids after school and have an "after work" gathering.

Many employers are also finding that it benefits the company when they encourage workers to volunteer. Some of the Best 100 Companies in 2008 for working mothers provide their employees with 1-3 days off with pay if they volunteer in the community. Also volunteers are good role models and mentors for the youth in our country.

So bring your lunch and come to the YWCA on S. College Road at 11:30am today to hear more on this topic.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

This morning I want to highlight a group at the YWCA called "mommie-preneurs." The group has been meeting on the first Wednesday of the month at 12:30pm. Loosely the term refers to women, mothers, grandmothers, etc. who want to be self-employed, but still be home for their families. The meetings are free, informal times of learning, sharing, supporting, and discovering. Some ladies do bring their lunch to eat while listening.

Lately this concept has been a popular topic. WORKING MOTHER magazine has always had a section featuring success stories about mothers as entrepreneurs. A NEW YORK TIMES Bestseller called "The Friday Night Knitting Club" is all about a young woman who starts her own business and the author calls her a "mom-preneur."

The meetings at the YWCA are informal Lunch'n Learns. Generally one person is asked to be the main share person. For example the meeting tomorrow will feature Nicki Bloomer a local artist who is a mother and who works for Mattel Toy Corp. from her home in Wilmington. She designs the artwork that is used in packaging the "Barbie: dolls. Not long ago the STAR NEWS did a story about her. She will share her success story and answer questions. Maybe another woman will learn something that will inspire her or open a door for her.

The women who have been coming to the meetings come from various ages and stages of life. We have of course the new moms who have just left the corporate world, but want to find financial reward while being home with little ones. We have the empty nesters moving into a new stage of life but wanting to work, but still stay flexible with their time. We have trailing spouses coming in to a new community with family and we have recent retirees wanting to go in a new direction. The stories and the reasons are endless, but the motive is always the same being your own boss and setting your own pace.

I know I have touched on this concept before, but I want to pursue it a little more because this Saturday, November 8th will be the first ever Jolly Jubilee at the YWCA from 8:30 to 2:30. The Jolly Jubilee is a shopping spree featuring vendors that epitomize the very essence of mommie-preneurism. First the Jolly Jubilee itself is the brainchild of a mommie-preneur meeting participant. Many of the vendors have been participants in the meetings and they represent some of the best of turning "crafts into cash." The Jolly Jubilee will be a marketplace for gourmet foods and handmade items like jewelry, accessories, clothing, and toys.

My personal favorite vendor for the Jolly Jubilee will be the "Crazy Chicks." They build custom made birdhouses that are so great. I had actually purchased some of their birdhouses at a local nursery before I heard their story at a "mommie-preneur" meeting. The two moms met during a ball game and their business evolved from this conversation. They are also very eco-conscious because they use re-cycled wood. Their birdhouses are unbelievable and they make great gifts-it is like you can pick a bird house to match somebody's personality.

Since the mommie-preneur meetings are "Lunch'n Learns," we also sometimes invite experts in the community who can help a new business person. WAAV's own ACTION COACH, Reggie Shrapshire was a featured speaker at a monthly meeting. A picture of him giving his presentation is featured in the November issue of WILMA. In the months ahead you will read more about the YWCA's "mommie-preneurs" as the folks at WILMA plan an event to support the work of the YWCA. Joy Allen, WILMA's founder and local entrepreneur, has been a "main" share person for a monthly meeting.

I think I can best describe and illustrate the spirit of our group by reminding your listeners of the old adage "Necessity is the mother of invention!" People become entrepreneurs out of need-need for change, need for money, need for independence or just plain seeing a need. A story in Saturday's STAR NEWS is my all time favorite illustration of "mommie-preneurism!" Here is a mom who helps parents fight head lice. Her company is "Lucky Lady Lice Removal." She will come to your home and pick the nits out of your child's head. Believe me I would have called her when my daughter was younger and came home from camp scratching under her ponytail like crazy! Ms. Busch saw a need and she has turned it into a business-a mommie-preneur!

So Marty in closing I want to invite folks to our next monthly meeting tomorrow, Wednesday November 5th at 12:30pm at the YWCA on S. College Rd. and I want to remind folks to stop by Saturday for the JOLLY JUBILEE shopping spree, our first ever vendor fair benefitting the YWCA. The doors will open at 8:30 featuring high quality custom made gifts, foods, and home products.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The other day I was doing some cleaning and ended up perusing a stack of magazines-I noticed a recent theme of suggestions like "20 Ways to be an even better mom," "16 things every mom should have...," "23 things every mom should know," or the "top 5 mom myths." I thought we might take a look at some of these suggestions and ideas.

One recurring theme talks about mom taking a break from the kids-suggestions include a night out with friends or a soothing bath which should relax and refuel mom. These suggestions always remind me of a neighbor we had when I was growing up. Everyday she took a nap while her two youngest children slept and every day her two oldest children climbed out the back, second-story window. Just like in the movies, they came out the window and down the big elm tree. Age wise I was between her youngest and her two oldest (and I never took naps) so I always had someone to play with.

Another recurring these has to do with time spent with your kids-the big question "is it quantity or is it quality" that counts? It seems that the experts and the lists are divided on this topic. One list suggests that you don't need to be a "soccer mom" and go to every one of their games. In fact the experts tell us that kids whose parents go to every game are less likely to continue with sports as young adults. Sometimes kids are often playing just to please Mom or Dad rather than for their own enjoyment.
In addition the experts are suggesting that just because you are volunteering in your child's classroom, being a chaperone on the field trips, coaching your daughter's soccer team, or leading the Girl Scout troop there is no guarantee of adoration. In fact the opposite could be true-familiarity breeds contempt. So remember punching in on the "relationship time clock" can backfire. You want your child to learn that time spent together is a source of joy. So when you are with your children-be attentive. Use an idea from your workplace-"Be here now." Do real face time with your child when she is telling you about her day. "Take the blue tooth out of your ear" or "put down your blackberry" so that your mind does not drift while your child is talking to you.

This whole idea of really listening suggests another old parenting idea "a mother understands what a child does not say." I always learned more about my children or from my children when I was listening to their conversations with friends. I know this might be misconstrued as eavesdropping, but often when you ask your child "what's wrong?" all you get is "nothing!" Carpooling is one of those "rites of passage" for every parent so take advantage of it. Strike up conversations with the other children in the car and listen to the resulting exchanges. Of course this can only happen if everyone doesn't have an ipod or a DVD is not playing.

Another shocker to admit might be false is that "a good mom balances it all?!?!" Here it comes-there are no perfect moms! It just seems like everybody else has a sparkling clean house, well-behaved children, an exciting career and the support of everyone around her. There is no virtue in pretending you can do it all-it just increases your stress levels. So let your husband take care of the kids sometimes even though he handles it differently than you do. Occasionally, it is OK to resort to bribery without spoiling your child if it expedites the job-time is precious. When it comes to discipline the magic is knowing when to give your kid a "time-out" and when to give yourself a "time-out." Moreover it is best to accept the idea that the laundry will never ever get done-someone is always spilling, sweating, or spitting up! Plus making lists can be helpful but they are never set in stone and they can always be rewritten.

Finally according to the magazine's remember that you are not the same mother everyday or every year to every child. There will always be people who will support your choices and some folks who won't. And that your job as a mom is to prepare your child for independence-ultimately to leave you.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

This morning I want to put the "parenting" spotlight on an organization that serves children and adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. It is the nation's largest family-based organization serving people affected by AD/HD. Currently it has 200 chapters with a growing membership. This organization is usually referred to as CHADD. Since 1987, CHADD has worked on both the federal and state levels to change attitudes about attention-deficit/hyperactivity and also raise public awareness. In the past 21 years, this organization of parents and adults with AD/HD has forged relationships with researchers, physicians, volunteer leaders, and advocates from other mental health organizations. Because of this grassroots, social movement, our country has seen impressive gains in the areas of public policy, media representation, and public perception of AD/HD.

Locally, Wilmington has two Moms, Karen Laughlin and Jennifer Johnson who organize and coordinate the activities of the CHADD affiliate in the Lower Cape Fear region. Between them the 2 moms have three children who have been diagnosed with AD/HD. These mothers in their quest to help their own children have single handedly resurrected a former Wilmington CHADD chapter. At the YWCA they now run a support meeting for parents and also one for adults with AD/HD. The adults meet on the first Tuesday of each month at 7pm and parents meet on the second Monday of each month at 7pm at the YWCA.

The Parent Support Group provides moms and dads of children with AD/HD the opportunity to come together with other parents whose families are similar to their own. During the meetings, parents share their concerns, struggles, successes, and learn from each other about which strategies do and don't work. Every few months, speakers are invited to talk with the group.

This month Karen and Jennifer are trying to raise awareness about AD/HD. There are 3 things that these two moms want the public to know. First-AD/HD is a real disorder-a neurological disorder characterized by differences in brain structure and function which can affect behaviors, thoughts, and emotions. Also genetics can play an important role. Second-there are many treatment options such as parenting, behavior modification, educational adaptations and medication. Third-left untreated AD/HD can have devastating consequences such as poor school performance, involvement with the juvenile or criminal justice systems or a greater risks and rates of auto accidents and so on.

Karen and Jennifer are spotlighting their awareness efforts with some great programming. On Friday, October 17th the local CHADD Professional Advisory Board will talk about AD/HD. This free information session will be held at the YWCA on S. College Road from 6:30-8:30pm, you know at the corner with Holly Tree and across from Krispy Kreme! Then on Monday October 20th, to celebrate the 8 gold metals won by Michael Phelps at the recent Olympics Games in China an AD/HD Awareness Free Swim will be offered which will be at the YWCA under the bubble. Michael Phelps has AD/HD and was introduced to swimming at an early age by his mother. CHADD volunteers will be at the pool from 5:30-7:30pm to answer questions. Then on Wednesday, October 22nd, there will be an AD/HD Day at Monkey Joe's which is also on S. College Road across from the YWCA at Long Leaf Mall.

In conclusion as parents, Karen and Jennifer are advocating for their children. They are working to educate the community about AD/HD and correct misconceptions. The two moms are trying to let people know about the resources that are available in the community such as CHADD support groups. They also want other parents to know that there can be a "level playing field" for their children. Karen and Jennifer know the challenges faced in learning, regulating emotions, being organized, and relating to others. These moms understand what it means when your child's behavior is interpreted incorrectly.

So come out Friday October 17th and talk to Karen and Jennifer at the YWCA, on Monday October 20th bring your bathingsuits and swim at the YWCA in celebration of Michael Phelps accomplishment whose mother advocated for him and on Wednesday October 22nd jump at Monkey Joe's at Long Leaf Mall. If you want to read more about AD/HD or about Karen and Jennifer pick up a copy of the October issue of WILMINGTON PARENT.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Every year the October issue of WORKING MOTHER Magazine lists the "100 Best Companies with Jobs for Moms." This issue is now out and filled with some valuable information. This year the magazine features a nice pullout section listing all 100 companies with a chart layout of the company profile, flexibility, parental leave, childcare, and work/life. The company profile spells out the percentage of women employed, number of U.S. employees, and number of years on the WORKING MOTHER list. Flexibility spells out access to telecommuting, job-sharing, part-time work, compressed work weeks, and flextime. Parental Leave entails phase-back programs, paid weeks for adoption, paid weeks for new dads, paid weeks for new moms, and additional job-guaranteed weeks provided past the 12 weeks of maternity leave. The section on Child Care looks at back-up child care, in-home, back-up child care, company sponsored child care and on or near site child care. The last category of Work/Life explores specific special-needs programs, health insurance for part-timers, and On and Off ramp programs such as sabbaticals.

The Top Ten employers listed in alphabetical order are Abbott, a pharmaceutical manufacturer headquartered in Abbott Park, Illinois; Baptist Health South Florida, hospital chain and health care provider headquartered in Coral Gables, Fla; Bristol-Myers Squibb, biopharmaceutical producer headquartered in New York City; Ernst & Young, financial services company headquartered in New York City; IBM, provider of global information technology headquartered in Armonk, NY; KPMG, provider of tax services headquartered in New York City, The McGraw-Hill Companies, educational materials provider, headquartered in New York City. Pillsbury Winthrop Shaw Pittman, law firm headquartered in New York City; Price-Waterhouse-Coopers, accounting firm, headquartered in New York City and S.C. Johnson &Son manufacturer of consumer products headquartered in Racine, WI.

There are some North Carolina based companies on the 100 List. They are in alphabetical order Bank of America in Charlotte, Blue Cross and Blue Shield in Durham, Pitt County Memorial Hospital in Greenville, and Wachovia in Charlotte.

There are some companies among the 100 that have ties to Wilmington such as Allstate Insurance, DuPont, GE, Marriott International, Merrill Lynch & Co., MetLife, and Verizon Communications.

Of the 100 companies listed all provide prenatal programs, flextime, telecommuting, telecommuting on a part-time basis, on-site lactation or Mother's rooms, financial planning services, and elder-care referral services.

As we all know work/life perks are expensive and are under fire. It is interesting to note that some of the companies with these perks are also some of the companies that we see listed in recent bail out headlines. In pursuing the list some names that jump out are Chrysler, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, Goldman Sachs & CO., Lehman Brothers, and Morgan Stanley.

Since our country is possibly on the cusp of making history by electing a female vice-president, I thought I would share the stats about the gender division concerning the heads of the 100 Best Companies. First, none of the top ten companies are run by females. Next only 11 of the 100 have female leaders. They are Deloitte, a financial services company based in New York City; Dow Corning, manufacturing company based in Midland, MI; Harvard University, educational institution based in Cambridge, MA; Bain & Co., management consulting firm based in Boston, MA; Children's Healthcare of Atlanta, a network of pediatric healthcare facilities based in Atlanta, GA; University of Wisconsin Hospital and Clinics, health-care services provider based in Madison, WI; Liz Claiborne, clothing designer based in New York City; Arnold and Porter, law firm based in Washington, DC; Kraft Foods, food producer based in Northfield, IL; FINRA, regulatory firm based in Washington, DC; and The Phoenix Companies, an insurance firm based in Hartford, CT.

So Marty if you want more information and a look at some issues like "ageless in America" as the oldest baby boomers are turning 62, facts about paternity leave, and possibly what the next generation of work/life benefits might look like just pick up a copy of the October issue of WORKING MOTHER or go online at workingmother.com.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

This morning I want to share something special with your audience. The YWCA is kicking off a new program next Tuesday that I want to invite the members of your audience to participate in. The YWCA is starting a "Lunch and Learn" series covering various topics during the 2008-2009 program year. I bring this information to your audience this morning because the first one covers a "parenting topic." This series of workshops will feature panels of experts who will share their knowledge on 5 topics through out this program season.

Starting on Tuesday, September 16th there will be a panel discussion every other month for the next 10 months. Attendees may register and come to the entire series and pick only the discussions which are most relevant to them. The topic for September is the "Sandwich Generation:Understanding the Demands of Caring for Children and Parents Simultaneously." In November a panel will examine a "New Face of the Entrepreneur: Women as Entrepreneurs." In March a panel will explore "Gender Speak: Women's History Month." At the end of the series in May the topic will be "Lessons Learned in the Red Tent: Strong Women."

The inaugural panel will feature five experts on this very important, parenting issue the "Sandwich Generation: Understanding the Demands of Caring for Children and Parents Simultaneously." This happened in my own life 4 years ago. I still remember the phone call from my sister informing me that our mother was in intensive care following a major stroke. The reason I was so conflicted at the time and sandwiched between generations was that I was self-employed, 4 states away, and 2 months from my daughter's wedding! I literally got that phone call while on the road to buy furniture in Winston-Salem. Fortunately I was able to juggle some things and got myself to Indiana to help my sister make some decisions. Also our mom's recovery did call for some time spent in a hospital which did buy me some time to help make long-term plans. I know now that if I had been better informed and armed with some options that I may have done things differently.

The last 4 years have been hard and stressful. Hindsight is always of course clearer. However, I do know that there is information now available that could have made my life easier and less stressful. Hopefully someone can come and hear the YWCA's panel of experts and glean some information to help avoid my pitfalls.

The "Lunch and Learn" panel for this first gathering will consist of a "parenting coach" Holly Kenney, a "health expert," Zena Allen, an HR expert on the "FAMILY LEAVE ACT;" an Assisted Care professional, Jane Dover, and a representative from Hospice Life Care Center. Each panel member will initially make a brief 10 minute presentation pertaining to their area of expertise. This will be followed by a period of time for the participants to ask questions. During each hour and a half panel the audience is invited to listen and eat lunch.

The first 25 people to come to the event will receive an insulated lunch bag filled with juggling balls, a pedometer and other surprises courtesy of Blue Cross/Blue Shield. I thought the "juggling balls" were very appropriate since that is how you feel when you are the one sandwiched between two generations. I know that for 4 years I felt that I was always trying to juggle my time between aging parents in Indiana, grandkids in California, and a life here in Wilmington that included a husband, a home, and a job.

If members of your listening audience would like more information about the "Lunch and Learn" series, they can find it on the YWCA website at www.ywca-lowercapefear.org <http://www.ywca-lowercapefear.org/> . YWCA members will be receiving an e-news blast about this series which can be sent to you if you register on-line.

In summary-come next Tuesday Sept. 16th to the first ever "Women's Leadership Initiative," from 11:30-1 at the YWCA. Bring your lunch and munch along as you learn and listen to the panel of experts. A small fee is being collected-you can save money if you sign up initially for all 5 discussions in the series. If you have specific questions, then you can contact me or the front desk by calling (910) 799 6820 for more information.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

In about two hours there will be alot of "sighing" going on in your listening audience-the bells will have rung and the first official day of school will have started. Today there will be lots of new kindergartners, first "dayers" in middle school and high school, and another phenomenon lots of "new moms" at school. My own daughter-in-law had that experience this school year being the "new mom" at school-twice!! Even though my grandchildren are only 2nd graders and 4th graders, they are in 2 different schools, K-2nd grade and 3rd-5th grade. She gets to be the "new mom" at school twice.

According to a recent issue of PARENTING, there are ways to "approach" being the new Mom or Dad at school. The experts tell us that just as there are "kid cliques," there are "mommy cliques," too! If you really want to be part of a certain group of moms, don't try to approach the group leader first. Instead watch for an opportunity to chat with a member of the group when she is alone or with just one other member. Start with easy questions about Girl Scouts or Cub Scouts.

In addition if you are the "new mom" at school and you don't have time for "chit chat" before or after school, be careful not to leave the wrong impression with the other parents. The head of an etiquette consulting firm says you can stay friendly without burning bridges. The consultant says to develop a mantra for saying "no," but still staying connected. You can say something like "Thank you so much for always inviting me. I can't make it this time, but I really appreciate being included." This little amount of acknowledgement is all the other mothers need in order to know that you are nice, but just incredibly busy right now. Occasionally you end up being the "new mom" at school not by your own choosing. When schools are redistricted sometimes neighborhoods are split up. Children from sprawling mansions have just as much fun playing in bungalows if they have a friendly welcome, good snacks, and a comfortable place to hang out.

Being the "new mom" at school definitely gets more complicated as your children get older. Older kids have definite preferences in friends so the likelihood that you will also be friends with the parents is rare. It is a bit awkward to approach another parent without the comfortable cushion of your kids between you. But it is not impossible. If you encounter another parent that you think is interesting, but your kids are not friends, then invite them to carpool to a PTA meeting or band booster meeting where the kids are not included.

Another area where being the "new mom" at school can be tricky is volunteering. This is one of those two edged swords! And if in addition to being the "new mom" at school, you are also working outside the home and you have other children then the role of the volunteer gets really complicated!!! Being a volunteer is one of those selfless acts that we do for our children and our community that is both rewarding and time consuming. Sometimes it is our own kids begging us to volunteer so that they have a parent at school like their friends. Trying to be one of those "selfless parents" who turn volunteering into a non-paying job can be tiring. If you don't feel comfortable being a volunteer in the classroom, then ask for jobs like running the phone-tree or school newsletter. Volunteering is one way though to learn about the other families, meet your child's friends, and see how he behaves at school. This can also be accomplished by volunteering at church, with a sports team or a scout group.

So for all you "new moms or new dads" at school plan a few minutes to chat either at pick-up or drop-off-just remember to chat with the children or the parents, but not with the teacher! Teacher chats need to be by appointment. Your child is not the only child that the teacher is responsible for and her or his time is valuable and precious.